away, hiding. smoking.

so i'm going to CT&MA on wednesday for almost three weeks. and when i get back, i will start a new chapter, supposedly. one involving REAL-ness and what-all. i think. or perhaps i will get a stupid job and decide it's the best thing ever and then quit a few months later when i get restless. or maybe i'll find god and lose these assholian affectations, start drinking ovaltine and calling people by their names. whatever happens, it will be preceded by a lovely time with my distant NE family. staying in a little house in the woods, reading kids' books and fantasizing about riding my bike. and drumming in my head. and THAT little episode, my darlings, will be preceded by a few last days here in sunny oregon, running errands and watching movies. getting acclimated to my new glasses and avoiding preparing food. relishing my supposed isolation and the growing clutter in my room. approaching with weary resignation the day when i will open the fucking windows and buy some socks. tacky use of worn-out phrases; something alarming presented straightforwardly. a disaffected cool, a careful show of hurt. we are all silly.