you, for once. HA. nevermind.

um. i'm pressing myself up against the edge of this desk because it hurts. why people wear chokers around their necks. i hate stuff around my neck, though. i feel like i'm on the verge of some great illness. not really. i just feel a little off. like when i get home in 20 minutes i'll be confronted with tension. which is weird, because there isn't really any tension. i just seem to HAVE to be tense about something. anxious, a little wary. or maybe i just write these things to be writing things? how far can we take this? i had a headache last night. i want to dye my hair electric blue. i want to be pure and smoke-filled at the same time. i don't know what i want. school starts in two weeks and i haven't signed up for classes. school? what? hm. i want better posture but i like the comfort of slouching. the guilt of pleasure. i want a certain kind of music but i can't seem to track it down. it's always in a movie, it's always perfect, and it's always fleeting. i make myself go faster and faster, until my throat burns from breathing, but i don't feel spent. i just want that exhaustion, that clarity. those voices. i want the ease of fog, the blurred joy. no adornments. except for the electric blue hair. and the wallet chain and the rubber band and the shoelace scrap. i want to walk faster, sweep by buildings and not even see them, make the blocks disappear like the dotted lines. or i want to curl up and sleep under trees, on sidewalks, in bus shelters. sometimes i think my whole life is leading up to a period of homelessness, because i'm always thinking of ways to use public space. making note of bathrooms, secluded spots, empty roads. drinking fountains, places open late. i want bunkbeds. i would sleep mostly on bottom, i think. i'd be scared that there was someone under me that i couldn't see if i was on top. i want endless payphones, ringing ears from rock shows. bracing wind outside, which is why i'm still writing. if i think about it too much, i'll just cry when people look at me. i cut my hair outside last night, without the aid of a mirror. i want to pee everywhere. silly boy.