Tuesday, November 21, 2006

(revenge) i am all

i was going really deep inside the tunnels, you know, and things were getting dire and automatic and smoky. but then last night, as i collapsed onto the floor to listen to music for like the tenth time, i experienced this moment of clarity. i had been walking like a fiend around the dark, wet neighborhood streets all day and just finished this bottle of mountain dew (first caffeine in a good while) and i felt out of sorts and scared. but then i took off my glasses and studied my hands and it struck me that i am all i have. it's sort of hard to describe from this next-day vantage point, but it felt like the most important and comforting realization ever. i think it came about partially because i was lying on the floor next to my chrome bag, meditating on its supreme utility and hardiness, when it came to me that when i go home to florida for xmas, i'm going to bike to the airport and take only what can easily fit into the bag. no excess baggage, either proverbial or actual. i am me, and i need nothing. no more bad habits, no more self-hate, no more concern. i don't need to dance in front of my parents (or anyone, really), trying to get their attention. maybe they won't give it, but i don't need it. i've been honoring them like they're dead, with these little gestures and affectations. i don't need to carry on the tradition of ANYTHING. i'm building a new life. and i need my full lung capacity.


Blogger Ryland said...

Aye aye!

10:39 AM  
Blogger Jonny said...

A biker walked into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind here." The biker says, "that's ok, I brought my own," and proceeds to drink the pabst from his bag.

7:18 PM  

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