Wednesday, February 20, 2008

trying really hard.

i got really sick last week, suddenly, woke up puking. spent three days completely out of commission, getting intimate with the radio and the toilet. felt completely absurd, otherworldly, distant, scarily real. thought a lot about a lot of things, made some vague decrees. decided to get things in order, stop this endless daily train wreck of avoidance and chemicals. fell in love with safeway, pushed the plaid pantry aside for a while. stopped smoking, stopped drinking soda, started buying real-ish food and eating breakfast. dropped the orange bike off for some much-needed work, been riding the green bastard and getting way comfortable on it. got a haircut, tamed the beard, bought some new socks and t-shirts. been wearing a tie at work, bringing a banana. walking around instead of lying down. sent an e-mail to a collection agency.

mushrooms, nuggets, grapes. had a few cigarettes today. i figure if i am all there is going to be, then i should pay more attention to what the fuck i'm doing. the sun has been shining, and i've been sleeping normally. shortening my ride home, merging into one brakeless being with the peugeot. becoming something.

but of course i still hate pretty much anything. anything that isn't safeway, the radio, my bike, making cookies, etc. so very fine and dandy inside my world. maybe i'll send you a postcard someday. just don't try and visit; i get nervous and flighty when there are people around.


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