Monday, October 04, 2010

I am useless as fuck

Going to try and keep this as short as possible. I am at university right now and am 19 years old and can’t do anything right. I already failed out of university last year and told myself that I should go back and live with my mum and get a job and that next year would be “better”. This seems to be a recurring problem in that I will put EVERYTHING off to some other time and never get round to doing it, or just leave it so long that it is nearly impossible for my child like brain to accomplish. I spent that entire year fucking around with my friends and pissing off my mum until she practically hates me.

So yeah it is the start of the 3rd week and I am already fucking up and can’t seem to fix simple things that go wrong. Didn’t sign up for the tutorials in time for my main class even though I had a full week and it took less than 10 minutes to do. I have missed so many lectures already that most of the classes don’t make sense and can’t be fucked reading notes. This is my last chance at university and really want to stay but can’t seem to do anything.

I basically spend all of my time in my room, sitting on my laptop reading forums and watching youtube videos, leaving only to go to the toilet or for some food. I can’t cook and am painfully skinny but find it really boring cooking and have no motivation to learn or really go to the shop to buy more food.

I get anxiety attacks or panic attacks periodically for no reason it seems which can last hours but don’t want to go see the doctor about it and don’t even know where about the doctor is in this city or how to register to see them.

I want to cut my hair and go to the gym but am afraid of what people will think or that I have “changed”. I care way too much about what people think of me even though I know that it is not rational. I can’t even listen to music in my room because I don’t want to annoy my flatmates even though they do it as well. I try way too hard to please other people and make everyone like me when all I would rather do it tell them to shut the fuck up. Even people I don’t like, I will try to make them like me and get pissed off when they want to hang out.

Sorry for this massive fucking whine, I realise how pathetic it is. Oh yeah and I slept in and missed all my lectures for the day. Go me!

So here’s my pathetic life. Shout at me until I change it.


Blogger Jesse said...

see, i think the demands are too high these days. ("these days"? i swear i'm becoming an old man with a QUICKNESS.) there's so much TALK TALK TALK about what we SHOULD be and how we SHOULDN'T be, and it just gets old. why is it bad to be reclusive? why is it good to make lots of money? i figure the unrealistic ideals are making quite a few folks feel like SHIT when they're really okay. we can't all be HANDSHAKEY and wear nice magazine's just that the HANDSHAKEY MAGAZINE people make their all-important money off of that IDEA. and don't get me started on the BULLSHIT importance placed on school. it's not for everyone, but god forbid anyone SAY that.

christ. i sound FUCKING STUPID sometimes. even with uppercase LETTERS.

um. someone left a nice bike seat outside my apartment, and i now place my BUTT on it. that was kinda cool. and i went to FOOD-4-LESS last night! it's been a while. got sausage and rice (HA) and soy sauce. fuck yeah. also went to GEN-X and browsed, remembered how fucking RAD that place is. loud music, bright lights, screaming kids, clothes for every size slutty gangster. i love it.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Colin B said...

Fuck what people think, if you feel like going to the gym or getting your hair cut, do it. I don't think anyone would look at you negatively because of it.

3:22 PM  
Blogger The Whale said...

If you want to fit in better, sit with a group of people having a conversation and try to memorize as much information as possible about them. When the group breaks up, write down everything you remember...names, ages, relationships, etc. This is an exercise that teaches you how to pay attention to others rather than look for attention from others.

Or you could stay in your room and chat with weirdos like me.

Drop by and say hello to The Whale.


The Whale

7:57 AM  
Blogger Meghan Elizabeth Frisbie said...

calm the fuck down jesus

6:34 PM  
Blogger Jesse said...

wait, when did jesus get involved? is he ranting in your head?

8:16 AM  
Blogger l said...

where did all these people come from and what are they doing at our kitchen table?!

3:57 PM  
Blogger DavidShag said...

This has all the classic signs of clinical depression. Including the panic attacks - been there, done that. You need to talk with someone...

1:03 PM  
Blogger Jesse said...

ohmygod jonny! what if mr. shag is right? you should probably talk to someone. you know, to get better. thank the baby jesus for the assistance of these benevolent strangers.

[private note]
how the hell are these clowns stumbling in here? are they searching for "useless as fuck" to see what's wrong with their lives? HA!


8:43 PM  
Blogger lam said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:51 AM  
Blogger Jonny said...

^^^ that was just spam for all of you curiously following my stolen life story

9:18 AM  
Blogger Stein said...

I am a Chinese boy,accidently wandered here and saw what you are going through.I feel sorry for that,cause maybe I have some similar problems like you.I always care what people think me,yeah also people who I hate.But now,I just figure it out,the reason why I care others' saying is that I still want to be "better",even though I'm lazy,not so clever ,it can't stop me to be "better". So for you,I think you also want to be better,you just don't know how to do it. everything will be OK!

11:20 PM  
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9:30 PM  
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10:24 PM  
Blogger said...

Enjoy the good picture together, thanks.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Manace Mimmy said...

It sounds kind of like you are suffering from depression. I too have gone through this and I have posted something on my blog page about coping with it or even abolishing it completely. You have no idea who I am, nor do I know you. But I care enough that you free yourself from your pain because I know how it feels. Getting a therapist would be the better thing to do. I don't know how long ago you posted this...but if your still suffering, feel free to take a look at my depression post. It may help. -menace Mimmy

3:21 PM  
Blogger January said...

Wow, this is a genius thread. I feel your pain.

7:19 PM  

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