pretend i'm okay

xmas eve on tolman. the wrong beverage, the right music. do i have a toothache? do i need to take more vitamins? will i get soaked walking to the plaid? can this music get any louder? is everyone else really out of town? i don't have the answers to these questions. i am in love. a lot of things are losing their importance. or maybe losing the illusion of importance. i never saw this coming, never dared to envision it. i have slipped through many phases in the past few years, and this new one feels more real than anything else ever has. i will always be a trashy fuckless asshole, but i can also be good and happy. this is a development. i enjoy my days and nights, relish my connections. an infrequent slip into minimart oblivion helps me see this. a walk in the slushy dark night, a tour of heartfucked songs and self-pity to remind myself of the inevitable daylight. nothing is as dire as i sometimes want it to be. let's be alive. let's just fucking sit there and listen to the music of closeness, dance wildly in the stillness of contentment. let's leave tomorrow alone and speak in the present tense. she finally has a name and i finally have something to hold on to. happy holocaust.