my teenage christian soul

what would happen if i cleaned my room and paid the overdue bills and recharged my calling card and finished my 'grad school' application and studied for my tests and read suff for class and bought real food and went to sleep earlier and woke up before noon and wrote off my silly fantasies? what would happen if i returned phone calls and turned the ringer on and put air in my tires and washed my glasses and wiped my nose and wrote thank-you notes and said happy birthday and stopped collapsing after each vague dream of heartbreak? what would happen if i stopped hurting myself and hating myself and ignoring myself and hiding myself and wasting myself? what if i said what i meant and smiled less often and moved forward with confidence and didn't fall in love with memories? would it still matter that i am untouchable, unreachable, and unlovable? would i still go to bed hungry and wake up fatigued? would i still be writing trash at one in the morning?

i know this is dumb but i do it anyway, fuck you. at least i'm fucking open in SOME venue. funny ha-ha.