if i knew you'd hear me, i'd start screaming.

that song by she wants revenge is on the radio. the original. now 'everlong' is on. the hit parade.

i've spent the day pacing and jumping up and down and thrashing around and trying in vain to compose myself. struggling to write some lists on the backs of those dilbert calendar pages, attempting to be rational and get my ducks in a row. but it's easier to throw myself around the house and take fast walks in the cold gray outside. i can't read and i can't sleep and i can't think without going back to the same old shit. i see your face when i close my eyes or stare off into space.

i hate the fucking beastie boys.

i'm searching for reasons to leave you out of my head, but it's hard.

there are huge black letters scrawled down the length of my left arm. 'awake and happy,' they read. if you will it...