Wednesday, January 14, 2009


(not mine)

I'm feeling like having a rant even though i haven't the slightest clue where to start-i havent ranted or vented in a long time i always tend to keep in or be a little bit passively aggresive to people- only one person has told me that- i don't know what they're talking about - i figure its-i don;t know where i'm going with this i'm gonna crank up the volume- my favorite times are driving on my own listening to the same pantera/nirvana cd over and over oand over and over - ifeel kinda bad when i pull up next to some geriatric or kids or nice bloomingtonians-which is jujst the problem i feel like i'm supposed to behave here and not go mental or eat shit off the ground or continue to think that farts smell bad-why is it that when you need people the most you can only find one person at best, and can't even tell that paerson who you love the most, everything???theres's always some wierd effed up thing that is really on your mind and there's no one to turn to cause it would really dig you a massive crater that you can never fill (very pathetic)-sure you can go tell some random dude that will never know you or anyone you know,but really doesn't satisfy the situation i guess he could maybe even help you dig that crater then promptly fill it back up w/e. i mean i say some stupid shit sometimes, rather every hour i say something dumb, and yet i'm still so reserved, my god i've never really said anything to anybody, i never feel it'll do me/them any good. a friend asked me recently over and over and over the course of one night "who am i really" i didn't know what to think when she said that- it blew my fucking mind, i gues that's why i'm typing with head full of tears-i mean i've never really lost anyone i just had a cat i was just getting close to crushed in front of me all ic ould do was try to save it s life but all that it really made me feel was closer to it- at the time i wanted the poor bugger to survive but at the same time it was beautiful, is that the same feeling those dicks with rifles get when they shoot vermin. don';t get me wrong i'm doing alright, i feel i've got way more than most-forget the few boxes of random shite i never look at- but i've got skillz, i do apply them but not in any regularity that i want to-it's really hard to apply yourself at times when yo need to ;lhave a biug ol rant, i've just started typing now and realized that maybe i should do this on a different media, but w/e, i'll be reserved enough to not dig a big ol hole. god i love pantera/metal/slayer/w/e when it beams those radio waves from 2 feet away right at you then it somehow magicly releases you of any uncomfortablenesses you've got, kinda like those endorphin things you get when you run yourself into the ground leaving whatever it was that was messing with you on the pitch/court/road/field/gym/course. its nice to feel loved but maybe its time i could give some back to someone (innie and outie love), i think i've said i loved someone-i ceratinly was too young to know what that meant-there's a reason you respect your elders, they may be dumb but hell it's worth listening to, wise people are cool- god loud music is amazing. you can type stuff on your puter not to anyone in particular but to everyone they don't even have to read it's awesome, especially when i'm not really looking for anything right now. wish thatphone would stop ringing, i remember when i got that blackberry thing 3 or 4 years ago, it was like, it was loike oh great now people know how to get a hold of you and you can't be left to your own devices people think somethings wrong if you don't answer your phone. during college oh great i can';t believe i brought that up what a waste of my fucking time look at me i've got some certificates don't know what the fuck to do with them don't want to do anything with them except show parents that i'm not petarded. college college what was i sayin yeah i dropped some friends during college sure am glad i was nice to them cause now i'm back in their lives, they're cool they know how to talk shit to people, maybe i should find firiends that don't know how to say whats uop then maybe i'll start telling people to f off when they need it.

ok come on i must not be the only one that changes behaviors quarter yearly i mean isn't it funny when you start doing someithing you normally don't give 2 shats about when you meet someone and r into them, why is there that time when you're afraid to blow it, and give a really good impression of yourself, hah and it's not even yourself, i've been a little careful to not do that, cause that certainly ain't right even if it's what you want to do. omfg i want to go to outerspace, iused to be able to look at my self from far away that was kinda cool, a couple times i was in bed but walking down the street at the same time really wierd, i really live for those wierd moments i want to see some spirits really badly cause i don't know why people talk as if they've seen them. then again i don't really know why a lot of people talk about stuff as if its' real, i mean why is faith enough for some and not me, r they just conceited or am i the one who is? i have an open mind for everything that's why i don't say shit to anyone, yet is that conceited of me to not tell someone i think they're wrong and just let them figure it out? i don't know there's a lot of people in this world that do enough of telling someone they're worng and that they should do it this or that way for me to start doing that too.

why is it that we remeber the bad times in our lives, wouldn't it be nice if it was cold outside and you didn't have to associate that with bad cold-bad...wear clothes-good
when i went through a bad time which is unfortunately very very very few and far between, i would settle down do what i'm doing now write to my man of the hour and have a GOOD OL BOWL OF DUCK SOUP, it's not enough to eat a candy bar or work yourself silly, its the duck soup that's significant of something shit soup-good. i kinda don't want to have to have that duck soup AND not have bad times but then i surely would be missing something. u cant't grow on only good times. i've got nothing but grief (don't worry it's not you) from some of my best friends, it's hard to say let me be and go and i'll be better. especially when they're at the top of the food chain and can provide you with some fucking shitake cream and corn dip or some fucking beet caserole or even gimme some a that friggin greeny drink cause i need it to keep healthy. the body forgives all, i mean haven't you heard it a million times-i just want to make it to 60, you can damn near do,eat,shag anything you like and live to 60, why is it i wanna live to 100. i wanna have children and grand children but i want them to kick ass and figure it all out, and see my genes at work. anyone out there wanna be a surrogate mother??? i'm not kidding! i just gotta know you for a while, you gotta pass a bunch of screenings, test of time, eat healthy, be actively healthy blah blah blah, i don't want no messed up child god forbid that! first immmpressions are everything-there's a radical thought! here's something better lets develop something over the next 1000 years that transmits exactly what and who u r to anyone you meet so you don't have to meet peole who don't fit for u. you're gonna interact with people who don't fit your needs when you go through the checkout line so it's not such a bad idea after all!?

remember when you were young invincible (some of you still are) had nothing but potential and were like 'yeah i could be the best person in the world easily' and then BAM you smoke some dope, shag the wrong person, think about doing some real hard core shit, get pissed on pabst, then omg then you turn 20! i was all like 'oh no crap um, balls, i gotta get started before i turn 30, cause like i wanna make the rest of my life easier' i'm 25 or 26 or somethin and i'm not a millionaire yet, and i've been scheming for a long time, that's exactly why i look up to like a few people, i know 1 isn't even a thousandaire, the others i don't even know what they've got, i've never had to ask nor would they tell me-and the funny thing is 2 are bound by blood, the other(s) don't have much what i call real world and i mean real world experience, they have just taught me a couple things in life. i've not learned much from other people in life, doesn't mean they didn't try, it's only when i'm ready to learn do i learn. its like when a scientist does some stupid shit in a lab, mix's a few thing s together that have been done a million times before, and already knows the outcome, but only when HE DOES IT DOES HE KNOW THE OUTCOME. i guess i just taught myself something, that's what this rant is all about right?? you guys have typed some stuff down and it helps, even when you don't publicize it.

i'm gonna take a break, eat something healthy, and get ready for some run that will take the rest of IT that is in me, come back and see if there's anything that needs to be put on paper.

it's funny when i go for a run or peddle, i don't want none of that loud metal crap blaring in my ears. air and the expense of energy is plenty beautiful enough to make you feel the pulse of the earth.

I rarely think about anything when i exercise, not sure anybody does, but i did think about one thing this time- i started running balls out on the first bit cause i was typing that fast, then it occurred to me that maybe i should pace myself. most of the time when i start something i get really fuckin excited and bipolar about it, then i drop it just as fast as i picked it up.

Friends sure are important, some say you only need a couple friends others like to have many, i keep myself somewhere in between and switch around here and there. for me friends are the best release of bad or unwanted energy or feelings. i don't give them my energy they don't even know what i'm feeling a lot of the time, they just help me release it and recover back to my normality. kinda like sleep-when you work out real hard the best recovery is sleep. i guess the best things in life are friends and sleep! god i love having a few real friends they sure help you cope with rigors- is that what our god is? is god just another real friend that helps you along when you need it? can someone tell it to let me explore the universe and i don't mean this terrestrial life.

I don't have much else in me, i'm pretty spent now, and i've already said some stupid things in this because i can't help it, but this rant sure helped. i'm pretty hungry now that the holidays are over (substituting beer for food). HOLY SHIT!!! i just had an epitome! I'm gonna go eat some duck soup!

i'd rather not have anyone respond to this, i'm really only lookin for my own response. i know for sure that what i am or have had pales in comparison to some/most, i'm just makin sure for whatever comes------scratch that, if shit comes, bring it.


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