Friday, November 30, 2007

attention defi...what's that guy over there doing?

hey, i can change text color and make a list and shit like that in blogger again, even on my mac.

i have an awesome theory for my forest ecology class paper that's due today.

unfortunately, i have no patience to type it.

if they gave me a transcriber, i think i'd be a genius.  maybe not.

winter is here, it might snow tonight, yipeee.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


To do, Re-do, Honeydo(dew), mountain- no.

Put off, slack off, jerk off, fuck- no.

40 degrees and raining feels like, like... I should be comfortable with stress... something...

Saturday, November 24, 2007

the game of fuck

gotta pee like urgent. what time is it? 4:14am, asshole. my veins are alive with wasted excuses and faked happenstances. not sure who i need to love, but i'm pretty sure she's not a fan of mine. all of this is made up and unreal, copied from popular films and catchy songs. i have little allegiance and even less belief. you cannot hold me much longer. i go talk to drugs and stumble into clever phrases, wrap myself up in boredom and distraction. this is not nonsense, this is heartbreaking. the promise of money allows a moment's lapse of judgement. i have to concentrate too hard on these sentences to really convey myself right now. something about freedom, oblivion, elaborate disguises? everything i do is for effect, nothing holds anything more than slaughtered time and evaporated lies. this itself is flimsy and vacant, like my fucking insides. I AM NOTLYING< ASSHOLE. I AM DIZZY WITH REGRET AND ANGER. i am nothing, i am barely alive. this means silence. unwritten, overwritten pledges. i run from yr hopelessness, curl up with my own. fuck yr game and yr cover story. my vacancy means more to me than a thousand flimsy character studies. i will NOT LIE WITH YOU i would rather drown in this fucking cold alone self-imposed hell of isolation. i don't fucking care if bill clinton and god think i am desolate and miguided, I ALONE LOVE YOU[lose myself] and ADORE OVERSIGHTS.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

on ice

i'm going to portland tonight.

wish i had something more interesting to say about that.

ok. my oldest brother is having thanksgiving dinner at his house and both my dad and my mom are going to be there. patrick is coming with me and other than having dinner with my dad and oldest brother (on seperate occaisions) when they were in seattle for business, this will be the first time patrick meets the family. my brothers are prone to rants if topics like immigration or the war are brought up (i never know when they will be conservative and when they will be liberal).

so all in all, the stage is set for some crazy shit to go down.

also, the alumni rugby game is going down at reed on sat. so that should be fun.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

paint thinner

song about sleepin'
every day
not at night
'cause that's ok
with me now
not forever

take what i can get
love what i don't have
take what i can get
love what i don't have

sleep all day
awake all night
and i don't care

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

An open letter to Jonathan


Drop everything.

Become this guy.


A friend

a kind of smile

get up, kids. we're not boring, just slightly bored. i wake up early and ride my bike, so now i have a new computer. a fair trade society, i reckon. also got a huge guitar amp and a steady stream of mountain dew. wait.

(i'm doing laundry.)

if i got a haircut and lasik surgery would i still be the same? i don't think so. gotsta keep my distance from respectability. firmly rooted in the loose soil of the jokingly fringe.

i feel like i'm all set for Something To Happen now, you know? got a job, talky-talky, get wasted, what's next? crossing hastily re-drawn lines: fixed, cell, cigs, drink, chrome, laptop. listening to latter-day everclear: i feel complete when i feel sick inside. i can barely make out these letters on the screen. hm.

this has to all be FOR someone, doesn't it? why am i so suckered in by all the movies and books, songs and parents? i really couldn't give less of a fuck about other people, and yet i keep coming back to them as motivational themes. is everyone just joking when they get married, hold hands? playing along because it's the thing to do? why are strip clubs so mesmerizing? (besides the obvious.) if i burn enough candles, will my emptiness fill up with divine smoke and make me feel okay like this? the ultimate slur is one whispered.

kinda wish i could take my glasses off and fuck up, relax in a hospital bed. kinda not really, actually. i'd rather watch the darjeeling limited again and quaff another soda, chew some gum. black hoodies and blue jeans. it's so fucking simple it hurts.

you know how this all sounds the same? yeah, so do i.

the roast is a little dry, isn't it?

taking careful steps toward my death. oklahoma, library, wal-mart? i don't even know anymore. i see nothing worth pining after. except perhaps music? drums & guitar? i'll work on that.

quietly drying up, slipping down, fading out, dialing in. where are the paragraphs, the revelations? the screaming chorus is missing from this ditty. when it gets dark right after lunch, there's nothing left but convenience stores and incense.

FUCK THIS IS DUMB. but at least i have a husband. i won't be watching my own train wreck alone, dammit.

all this is nothing and i love hating it
hoarse conscience silenced by the distortion in my ears
there's no answer in sight; only a 750ml solution down the street
i've never been real and i'll never mind
hide hide from this as long as you can kiddies, the food's run out
stagger onward with the chemical light
pack yr bags and ignore my offers please thanks

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I think i found why Sammy doesn't post here any more.

'Cuz he posts here.

"there are children in africa who would kill you for a green pepper"

pregnancy is funny! (i'm glad i got my period!)

as always, the next blog button has come through again:

No mame

I have an impulse. It comes this time of year. If I think about it too much, I forget which is the desire and which is the reaction to it. If I ignore it too much, it all seems new again. Now I have to... want to... think I should work on making the illusion of getting things done. Co-workers are gone, the janitors (custodians!) will come with their wisdom.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

and i don't understand why i sleep all day and i start to complain that there's no rain

Monday, November 05, 2007

no more.

weird weekend, various realizations. stayed up all night friday night, lost saturday. leaving it all behind: no more cigs, alcohol, dew, pills, etc. stand on my own shaky feet. at least for a while, remind myself that i fucking can. drop all the retarded strip club talk and medicine measurements.

that said, i could really go for a liter of dew and a cig. christ.

Sunday, November 04, 2007



So Liz's Horse died- condolences. Also, routine collapse is a good label jesse. I think that describes what I failed at describing verbally about my day.

Jesus Christ this is a shit post, I want to delete it but instead I'm gonna