Tuesday, October 31, 2006

future circle

i have to post a comment about all these papers i just read on this e-post thing for my class _hot topics in fisheries_. all i can think is that it's already been written. somewhere, in some matrix of time and space, my post already exists. so i don't need to worry about it. i'll take it a step further (farther?) and say my thesis already exists; all the research i'll ever do in my life already exists. if i ever have kids, they already exist.

so there's nothing to worry about, people. you can all relax.

this ain't serious

haHA. i just walked around downtown forever, killing time before my next class. i saw: a bum with a cell phone; a horde of bike messengers outside a coffee shop; nine hundred seventeen thousand leaves on the ground; and a dude who looked like fun. i consumed two corndogs, a quart of chocolate milk, and a blueberry danish. an amusingly businesslike man in an overcoat asked me, very properly, if i could direct him toward an atm (automated teller machine, in case it was unclear).

i need to buy some candy to give away.

i have decided that we should all move somewhere like london or hong kong. as a unit. it can wait until we're done with our respective school programs; i wouldn't want to interrupt anyone's shit.

it's fucking beautiful outside.

what about 503-725-HELP? what does that do for you?

j-wary: where ARE you? you should make like ry-ry and rediscover the scene.

'when there's a knock-knocking at my door
i'll just sit here on the floor.'

Monday, October 30, 2006

koala infestation

why can't koalas be closer to me?
why don't i have some fucking koalas in my house? it WOULD be the cutest infestation ever.
i'll tell you what we really need jonny's dad to do: get us all some fucking koalas. can you even believe their noses? nothing has a nose like that. koala noses are mind-blowing.
i think i want to be a koala for halloween.

strike that, i want to be a koala for life.

i think that's all for now.

ANTONYM: intelligent, sensible

Some people drink to unwind.

I snicker to unwind.

Don't know why I drink.

I hear that you are what's in your iTunes.

In which case I'd like to be Gwen Stefani.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

upchuck unity

what's causing this? too much insulation. no. what's this here? maybe i'll punch myself in the stomach and cut off my fingertips. i'm only eating bread from now on. i can't understand anything else.

two more enndingss
onefewer memory
bigbigbigbig pile of rejections and reminders and wordss
an upsetting splitmenow/methen
who i thought we were who we were
in this wait lies uncertainty and gleeee(at a thumbed nose)

the dissolution[discovery] of meaning. order[clarity] is the lie.

this is the next step, the first level, sore to the touch, fever broken, naked layers. what i want to say is: this means more to me than volumes of 'what's wrong with herhim' jibberjabber. nothing's wrong with anyone. stop pretending and start. 'like touching except you don't touch.' i want . oopsyy delete space before..

filling these lungs with want. unadorned, eyes open and unfocused. don't make a move, don't leave the bed. burrow in and avoid the clock, wait for the next song. spring up and out and forward, bask in the glow of the speakers, ignore the kitchen and fly away. you'll soon be warm and forget your hunger.


1. i want everyone to hear this song, so badly it hurts. but i have to wait until i'm at school and can use their computers since mine is getting crotchety.

2. i recharged my gameboy. tetris swallows[saves] me.

3. FAG LIFE across the lower abdomen. FUCK on the wrist. i have no identity.

4. four is my 11-year-old sister's favorite number.


songs speak and throats catch.

much love,

Rough Draft Complete

"We have to get drunk immediately. "

Saturday, October 28, 2006

i hate you because of where you live and go to school

today is homecumming at u of washington. nothing to prepare future corporate hacks, money makers, money makers fag-boy black-girl haters for supporting imperalistic wars than a good football game.

i like football, but i am sitting in my office typing this, doing literature searches, reading about soiled nutria because sometimes there's something more important than blind nationalism.

I love alcohal and has never had a boyfriend.

this i-net makes people gush. i don't know what i love. i mean, besides arab strap. and tetris.


these little bodies we walk around with. a weird idea.

ugly metallic taste in my mouth.

sound prolific, sound assured. cut to the core of the emotion with as few words as possible. the least amount of grammatical bally-hoo. NO CAN DO.

why aren't we fucking sleepwalkkkking? why do we kkkkeep wakkkking up?

look around for some more protection, another blanket, another jacket, shroud yourself. swallow your urges, be appropriate. don't choke, don't choke, don't choke, relax. hold steady, eyes forward[DOWN], words in strict order, arms extended. hold each other, a long and cold night ahead. this is what we have and this is what we hold dear, this consumption, this reassurance. don't be so easy. don't be so easy. take some for later. HERALD me.

"we hope your rules and wisdom choke you"

alabama was then, hunger is now. isn't this just DARLING?

Friday, October 27, 2006

life and how to live it


hopefully that link works. it'll expire in a week one way or the other, so act now.

R.E.M. performing "Life And How To Live It" in 1987. You can't play this loud enough. Just great.

I'm going to go make some babies with anjaka...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

11 roses/7 days

Oh yeah, this site lets me post my own stuff. I'll have to remember that.

I'm a month into PSUdo grad school and am having my first exam tomorrow. In-class, closed-note, 50 minutes. "Memorize this." What the fuck? Good thing they don't record grades at this school.

It's way weird how I spend like 90% of my interpersonal time either at PSU (or Dignity Village as they say) or teaching tweaked-out kids. As far as the world knows that's who I am. Which is I guess becoming a pretty big part. But nobody else knows how homeless/ftw/johncusack I really am.

Just keep saying you're johncusack and it'll come true. Initiate ballcap era. Pretend Cusack's never worn a leather jacket. I'm in.

This whole bizarre work/skoo lifestyle is nicely complemented by the fact that I live with a high school friend and we have a TV in our living room that's on more often than movies+never.

More suspicious than 11 roses,

Week-er than 7 days,



There's this enchanting creature, see, swimming in the water below. It's really beconing to me, this is epic. I could be the hero in this story. But the quarry walls are high, and I don't think I could climb down, let alone up, and I REALLY don't wanna jump.

I think if I had more time, I'd order more colored wire and make a fancy hat to go with the rest. But as is, I think I'll have to settle for some yellow wire on my chest piece.

I want to grind on some murlocs, maybe score some bracers I can disenchant.

I think the antibody sythesis will work quite smoothly. The experiments are all forming on the page nicely. Gotta keep goin.

I pwn 4ll u n00bzorz. F34r my l33t skillz. All your base are belong to ME. /gquit stat or be fraaagged.

Monday, October 23, 2006

shag all my friends

i feel wrong.

listening to arab strap.

tried to be good; was bad. am bad.

the speakers won't yell at me loud enough.

i used to think it all started in eighth grade, but now i'm leaning towards second grade. which is even more disturbing.

"my cock's as numb as my heart"

i very rarely feel at home, at ease, comfortable. never? i can't picture it. i read about closeness, affection, eye contact, but i can't stop being COLD.


went to f-4-l today, came back with way many pounds of food. way many. in the store, i had a shopping cart. a buggy, a trolley, a carriage. what if we were carl barat and pete doherty? i can't keep my vision clear. WHAT I'M DOING IS PUSHING AGAINST EVERYTHING THAT SAYS


it's always later than i think it is. what does this mean, doctor?

have no regrets; i'll see you in the morning. and in these dreams.

much love,

flesh and blood and sugar

-i have decided that vietnamese french bread is the father, the son, and the holy ghost combined.

-i have decided that entenmann's coffee cake is what elvis (god) would eat.

-i have decided that adopting catholic symbolism for secular use is IN.

-i have decided that there is no need to try.

-i have decided that jackets are more holy than mary.

-i have decided that meaning is vaporous and other people do not exist.

-i have decided that all this food talk has made me HUNGRY.

-i have decided that i need to obtain some corndogs from 7-eleven.

-i have decided that i will obtain some corndogs from 7-eleven.


Sunday, October 22, 2006

On The Verge

Going on 8 hours sitting in front of this focking computer. Went to this korean restaraunt for dinner. I was the only not-korean guy there, which was entertaining. REALLY good kimchi rice. Coulda gone for some conversation, but solitude has its ups.

I am:
Tired of writing.
Contemplating calling it a day.
Full of desire to share thoughts and feelings.
Lacking thoughts and feelings to share.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Objects of my obsession

Friday, October 20, 2006

how does he become the number one loverman in his particiular postal district?

so i REALLY had to pee last night when i wrote that, which pretty much directly contributed to me terminating the pregnancy. it's now 10:42am, i'm done with class for the day, and i just had a REAL conversation with someone for like 25 minutes. about women's studies. a WOMAN. fancy that. so we are officially BACK ON TRACK. sorry for the interruption.

she was so close

all i ever do is write junk to people who don't care and then i beat myself up about it and then i do it again. what's most frustrating is that i SEE this, yet i still DO it. i just wanna turn up this bob, or some techno, and break things. wear tighter pants, more fucked-up shoes. eat more ice cream.
and why the FUCK am i writing this here, now, huh? do i need an audience, need to feel the disinterest, need to pile fuel on the awkwardness fire? making people squirm via this endless RANTING seems to be how i roll. piling it on, asking for more, anything but TOUCH. i'll make you hate me if you let me. i hide myself so i won't have to talk. i tear up the fabric of communication and disclosure until there's nothing left but the bare ugliness of WANT. the bad taste of pitiful dependence disguised as untouchable superficiality. what makes me uncomfortable and queasy is the FACT that this is as real as i can get; these pieces of plastic under my fingers are my surrogate lovers. and guess what? i've done it again, even as i'm trying to get beyond it all. what the fuck do you think this paragraph is? and obviously i value my own punishing examination more than your comfort. read this and never look at me the same again. i fucking dare you not to.

Monday, October 16, 2006


what the fuck.

you get us all excited about borat, but why isn't his movie out yet? huh? why sammy, why? all i think about is borat, i want him, i need him, but where is he now sammy, WHERE IS HE NOW?

you better have some fucking answers, that's all i have to say.

i have to read a 40 page paper about climate change in the pacific northwest for a class tomorrow. which i guess is why i'm writing this.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

alpenrose & pall mall

heard this on the radio, decided it's the best thing ever. this is just part of it. it's by rufus wainwright.

cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker
a little bit harmful for me

if i should buy jellybeans
have to eat them all in just one sitting
everything it seems i like's a little bit sweeter
a little bit fatter
a little bit harmful for me

and then there's those other things
which for several reasons we won't mention
everything about them is a little bit stranger
a little bit harder
a little bit deadly

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

disturbingly feminine and possibly canadian

so i went to this conference of graduate students thing my department put on yesterday. it was held at this lodge owned by the norweigan brotherhood or something like that and was filled, FILLED to the brim with disturbing, cartoon-ish images of trolls. we had to get up fucking early and i found myself struggling to concentrate on the presentations, given the fatigue and the troll decor that constantly begged for my limited attention. peter westley, who lived in the outhouse our sophomore year was there. he is a fisheries person like me and we had a good time talking about reed and looking condescendingly at the other students who went to lesser insitiutions for their undergrads (even tho peter transferred to uw after his second year at reed so he could focus on fisheries). at 5, all seriousness was swept aside and the kegs were tapped. people made presentations about the research going on in their labs with the warning that if they actually talked about any data or anything serious, they'd be lynched. my favorite was the guy who described his advisor as disturbingly feminine and possibly canadian. we ate and ate all day and then drank and drank all night, topped off with dead baby jokes, a boatrace, a dance party and a long soak in a very hot hottub.

i have my first committee meetin tomorrow and i'm scared. my advisor told me on thurs. to expect a question about why i should do the project i'm doing given it's similarity to another project that came out of our lab ~2 years ago. i had no good answer. i have an answer now, though whether it is good or lame remains to be seen.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

empty rings around your heart

bought a bike,
rode the bike,
ears are cold,
and she said it was good to be alive.

Friday, October 13, 2006

exact and obscured

yesterday's mt tabor trials have left me with a sore throat from all my huffing and puffing. it was quite foggy this morning, which was soon compounded by the condensation on my glasses. i kept up the pace and just sort of hoped that i wouldn't run into anything. i didn't. i spent class this morning thinking about why i wasn't saying anything. which was pretty amusing to me. it's friday, and all i want is another pair of shoes and some sort of flavored beverage. is that too much to ask? ok, fuck this.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

since we do this twice

i want a cell phone now. really bad. and i want a second pair of army pants to ensure their constant availability. and i want more more more v-necks. when i find something i like, i stuff myself with as much as i can grab. pudding, dogs, v-necks, anything. the family curse. better than cocaine, i suppose. it may be cheesy, but one of my teachers was talking about human nature and the question of are we good or bad, and he seems to think that we're bad (ornery, self-serving) yet made to be good by society (necessity of harmony, legal system, general watchfulness). i reckon that sounds sort of valid. if a bit cynical. sew buttons.

all this clicking and chatter, and i remain silent. meaningful communication initiation is my downfall.

y'all need to see the movie 'slackers' starring jason schwartzman so we can laugh as a group. heartily, and with abandon.

'i am a rock, i am an island...' i have a pretty strong STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME inclination, i think. speaking of which, that's my latest reason NOT to get out of bed in the morning: why am i like this? for one of my classes, i have to go to four counseling sessions with a real, paid therapist and talk about my 'issues.' i have yet to begin (SLACKER), but when i do, hopefully i'll find out the root of all this bulljazz and how to reverse it. i'll let you all know how THAT goes. since everyone's absolutely dying to hear about me me me. of course.

no one types with The Method anymore. ROCK ON, YOUNG AMERICA, ROCK ON. SORT OF A 'FUCK YOU' TO THE OLD MAN, I GUESS.

okay then. much love.

-jesse 'indigestion' long

kill it all away









i was in LV a few days ago, for a few days. i brought back the killers' new album and a hospital gown. school is apparently continuing, though it still seems like an unfunny joke that has run its course. i have caught no glimpses of the future, and this makes me uneasy. i've been doing practically nothing, even though i have all these agendas in my mind. but whatever, really.

we need to all take inspiration from mr. james frey, author of 'a million little pieces', and be more awesome. laugh at the serious folks, laugh at the angry folks, laugh at the dire folks, fight the challenging folks (after provoking them with our laughter). because, as dr. drew says, we need to relax. relax. don't make this life a trial, a worry, etc. make it chocolate milk and pecan pie! or whatever it is that you like! exclaim! punctuate!

i think i'll listen to marilyn manson when i get home. after maybe riding up and down mt tabor until i get sick.

i love you all.

-jesse 'the stomach' long

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Well I thought about the army,
Dad said "Son, you're fuckin' high."

Stagnant Aire

Craving for a strombolie
The undergrads chat
My headphones possess quiet