dude bro

yeah, avery and i just watched "grizzly man," this insane movie about a seriously mentally ill guy who plays with grizzly bears in alaska until they finally figure out dude bro might be good to eat. my favorite part was when dude bro touched bear shit and went into some crazy ecstasy over it.
highest recommendations.

Oregon, eff yeah, come to save the mothereffing day yeah

Potential people.

Guy's latest response:

Now you look here you piece of horse shit. I don't know where you go off hating on people like that but this is one person who WON'T TAKE IT!!! And after reading your incredibly rude response, I know that the Internet can enable web and e-mail access to everyone, including rude-ass motherfuckin' faggots (like yo' self) who post fake want-ads on the Internet as a means of trying to insult potential people seeking potential employment.

So do, take this message as seriously as you please, FUCK YOU and your lame-ass job, cuz  I already gots me a job so SUCK A DICK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!

Sincerely,

SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU

--------------------------------

it would seem he was offended. rightfully so, i guess. but i am in turn offended by the pedestrian nature of this bland tirade of his, and it's taking all of my self-control to let this thing end here. the thing is, there's a bit of a chance that he knows which ad i'm responsible for, and even though the ad has since been deleted, he may have recorded/remembered the restaurant name. and he knows my first name (from my e-mail address), so if he came knocking at the restaurant, i could be fingered. except i could of course deny deny deny, and then he would just sound like a psycho. whtvr.

Okay, last post for awhile, I promise.

But I just found this fucking hilarious (again, this may only be me here--and that's right, I said "fucking"--What? Do Something): Larry Summers' half-eaten bread role on ebay. It went for 12 bucks. Here's the description:

It was eaten by Larry Summers. What? You don't know who Larry Summers is? Get out of the cave that you're living in, dude. Larry Summers is kind of a big deal. He owns many leather-bound books. His apartment smells of rich mahogany...Recently, Larry was the President of Harvard University until his abrupt resignation recently in the face of faculty opposition. Simply put, Larry is a man's man's man... I bet it even has his saliva on it.

So, new business idea? This is right up there with another ebay auction featuring an autographed Bible.

This might be funny only to me, but whatevs.

does this make me an asshole?

So I put an ad up online for a dishwashing job at my restaurant, and I've been amusing myself by responding to the more retarded of the responses I got. Here's one guy's e-mail to me, followed by my response:



Dear Prospective Employer,

I found your job posting for a dishwasher on
portland.craigslist.org I, which to me, sounds like an
excellent choice.

Enclosed in this e-mail is my resume for the
Dishwasher position advertised from
portland.craigslist.org found on the Internet. I am a
person with several skills that will be essential to
the workplace. The highlights of my skills include
cash handling, greeting customers, communicating and
telephone assistance. Also, I have experience with
dishwashing and serving other people; I've had about 5
years experience in dishwashing.

In addition to the skills I can bring to the
restaurant, I am also a well-rounded student. I have
maintained a 3.7 GPA, I'm serving on my class's
student government, and I'm an active member of my
school's National Honor Society chapter.

Thank you for your time. Please send me a response on
the job/hiring status. My contact information is
listed on the resume. I hope that we do keep in touch.

Sincerely,

Michael Hicks

---------------------------

and here's the response he got:

-----------------------------

Dear Pitiful Applicant,

I read your job reply for a dishwasher on
portland.craigslist.org, which to me, sounds like a
horrible choice.

Enclosed in this e-mail is a meaningless song with no
relevance to the Dishwasher position advertised from
portland.craigslist.org found on the Internets.

You are a person with no skills, which makes you
inessential to the workplace. The highlights of your
uselessness include lack of relevant experience, a
flawed approach to self-promotion, and a general lack
of understanding when it comes to applying for a job.
Also, you're kind of a douchebag; you've had about 5
years experience in douchebagging.

In addition to the skills you can't bring to the
restaurant, you are also a massive tool. You may have
maintained a 3.7 GPA, but it is only due to the
corruption of public school grading systems. Your
serving on your class's student government is entirely
without significance in this arena, and your
membership in your school's National Honor Society
chapter could not be more trivial.

Thank you for your time. Please expect no further
response on the job/hiring status. Your contact
information was listed on the resume. I hope that we
do keep in touch.


You're A Douchebag,
Guy With A Job, Who Will Not Be Hiring You.

Regarding a meal in France the other day

GaelicOne7: well, you know when you eat the heart of your enemy
GaelicOne7: you gain his powers
belensari111: but the liver?
GaelicOne7: so maybe it's the same thing with ducks
GaelicOne7: ducks are my enemy
belensari111: and livers?
GaelicOne7: yes
belensari111: hahahaha
belensari111: hm
GaelicOne7: don't you hate ducks?
belensari111: mmm
GaelicOne7: and just want to eat their exploded livers?
belensari111: gross

The reluctant deckhand.

The restaurant is falling apart. The more delicate employees are dropping like flies, while the more resilient among us are digging in our heels. The gas company came this afternoon and shut off the gas, forcing us to close. Most of the crew bailed, yet I stayed alone, waiting for the boss man to get there. I sat on a table in the dining room, drinking free Mt. Dew, dropping to the floor whenever a car came into the parking lot, lest I be seen. When the boss finally got there, we tried to laugh about it. We tried to distract ourselves by making future plans to make custom bicycles, to advertise the restaurant more, to hire a new dishwasher, to get everyone on the same page, to make money, to stop the drama. I finally left and rode my new bike around. Hours later, near midnight, as I was stopped at 52nd & Powell, a former co-worker came walking by, and we chatted. His name is Jesse, and he used to be a dishwasher, too. He was amused by the current state of affairs. I rode home, laughing, glad that I don't sit behind a desk with headphones on all fucking day. When I got here, there was a drunken message from a current co-worker, one of the stalwarts. He was inviting me over to BBQ some steak.

This is why I still work there.

meanwhile, back at the ranch

MMMM...campbell's soup. just like the salt blocks mom used to make

living the dream

that's right. i called in sick to work today. with the slightest sore throat and headache i should call in because i work with people who have no immune systems. so there.

and now i'm going back to bed for a while.

maybe the rest of the day.

Up the Devil's pay

School is cool. My derailleur is derailing. Getting ample sleep does not preclude sleeping in boring classes. Scool is chool.

Lights Out

It has been snowing since last night. The day before spring it has snowed about a foot. Maybe more. I don't know. I have been spending my time in Alaska watching everything. Hindered by my recouperation from surgery. It is almost time for me to stop teaching! SWEET! I don't know why I thought I liked working with adolescents. I think I just had a high tolerance for stupidity. I think I am nearing my fill. for now....ha! On to indiana to visit another one of the center folk. I will encourage him to Blog. I don't know though, I think the thing he likes to do most on the computer is play starcraft.

By the way, I hear we are all moving to Boston. I've always wanted to be an east coast arse.

this is a great site

rectus cerebrus

Five older women just walked by our apartment window holding protest signs. One said something about a quagmire. But the best said "Nice War Ass Brain."

Someone should set up a flyzapper-style car zapper on Mt. Tabor on sunny Sunday afternoons. There was what can only be described as a traffic jam by the highest parking lot while people jockeyed for spots. Shit's ridiculous.

And then the phone rings and it's a guy reminding me how great in-shell peanuts are. So I think I'm going to have to get my hands on some of those.

This bike is a pipe bomb.

SO, i got a new road bike. it's name is Blanche. it's blue and light and fast. it consumes my thoughts and feeds my fantasies. i am learning how to control this delicate beast as best i can; so far i've discovered that a stripped-down road bike is much much quicker and faster than a loaded-down mountain bike. also, today i went to Citybikes, which is the single coolest establishment in the metropolitan area. you should all be jealous.

carry on.

Old Cursive is the New New Pornographers.

So the New Hot Pink, which is to say, the New Rilo Kiley, is the New Pornographers.

Get it while it's HOT. Pink.

Yeah, with haste my brethren, this download won't be there for much longer. But maybe you have it already. Fuck you, love me.

School Days

so i'm really feeling empowered by this tool bar. or at least i was, but now i'm not so sure anymore. it's been a long time since i've felt

empowered

and i'm enjoying the sensation.

i first looked at this proverbial kitchen table when i was at school today, in the library. i really wanted to check it out, but i felt that germans not having genitalia might draw the wrong sort of attention. the firing kind of attention.

good work sammy.

i looked at it anyway.

time and a half

this cursive cd makes me twitchy. this hot topic shirt makes me bold. these patterns make me easily prolific.

maybe i'll go buy a U2 cd. or some milk.

Two sips from the cup of human kindness and I'm shitfaced.

GERMANS DO NOT HAVE GENITALIA

That is all.

Speaking of which, wouldn't it be cool to change my name to "UUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHH"

That would look awesome on a resume.

Uther Meyor, bandit.

He outruns death and starts fires. He talks to himself for the benefit of others, to keep from overpowering them with his conversational wizardry. He is tops on everyone's list. He is from nowhere and headed anywhere. His weakness is his sentimentality, yet he hides it well with a veil of indifference. There is nothing he cannot do, for the world is a pawn in HIS game, and he is laughing.

sex for drugs

Seriously, God is amazing. Amazing. I don't deserve to be His child, but I am.

such a straight line

i constantly want to leave work. i think of going to the mall or wal-mart, a bike ride, anything. sometimes i feel myself on the verge of dropping whatever i'm doing and sneaking out the back, never to return, just so i can feel the rush of departure. but when it comes time to leave at the end of the day, by the time i get to my bike and get ready to ride off, i'm drained of motivation. i stop thinking and suddenly i'm halfway home, going down the same goddam roads. sometimes i fool myself into thinking i'll go right back out the door once i get home, just as soon as i've checked for e-mail or phone messages. i'll even leave my boots and coat on. but then it's hours later and dark outside and the only places open are food-4-less and a far-away record store.

RIGHT NOW IT IS SIX PM AND I CAN STILL SALVAGE THE DAY. SO GOODBYE.

Prolonged Adolescence

[Peter] Blos cites a syndrome which he calls prolonged adolescence. In prolonged adolescence a developmental phase which is intended to be left behind becomes a way of life. Instead of the progressive push which normally carries the adolescent into adulthood, prolonged adolescence arrests this forward motion with the result that the adolescent process is not abandoned but kept open-ended. The adolescent crisis is adhered to with persistence, desperation and anxiousness. There is a clinging to the unsettledness of all of life's issues. This leads to the contrivance of ingenious ways to combine childhood gratifications with adult prerogatives. The adolescent struggles to bypass the finality of choices and options that are exacted at the close of adolescence. When these adolescents attempt to rupture childhood dependencies they soon realize that this move is accompanied by a narcissistic impoverishment which they cannot tolerate because they are not prepared to do so. Prolonged adolescence presents the paradoxical picture that there is no conflict to deal with because no conflict is experienced.