It was only late in life that I realized that the last 20 seconds of Fight Club make it all worth it.

so, like, let's roll.

All I Wanna Do
by Sheryl Crow


Hit it!
This ain't no disco
It ain't no country club either
This is LA!

"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die,"
Says the man next to me out of nowhere
It's apropos of nothing
He says his name's William but I'm sure
He's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy
And he's plain ugly to me
And I wonder if he's ever had a day of fun in his whole life
We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday
In a bar that faces a giant car wash
The good people of the world are washing their cars
On their lunch break, hosing and scrubbing
As best they can in skirts in suits
They drive their shiny Dodges and Buicks
Back to the phone company, the record store too
Well, they're nothing like Billy and me, cause

All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

I like a good beer buzz early in the morning
And Billy likes to peel the labels
From his bottles of Bud
He shreds them on the bar
Then he lights every match in an oversized pack
Letting each one burn down to his thick fingers
Before blowing and cursing them out
And he's watching the bottles of Bud as they spin on the floor
And a happy couple enters the bar
Dangerously close to one another
The bartender looks up from his want ads

All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

Otherwise the bar is ours,
The day and the night and the car wash too
The matches and the Buds and the clean and dirty cars
The sun and the moon but

All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Ive got a feeling the party has just begun
All I wanna do is have some fun
I won't tell ya, that your the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

---------------------

is it just me, or is sheryl crow a fucking genius? i should ask HER to write this paper.

and i said 'okay, i guess, whatever.'

this lunchbox next to me (loud, dumb, heavy-breather) just said, loudly:

"i hate how macs have much less fonts."

this feels like some twilight-zone junior year experience...sitting in front of an imac in a sterile room, struggling to get up the gumption to write a paper, fucking around online and e-mailing people instead. except the room is much bigger and populated with animals. and i care even less about the quality of my product, since it's not a part of any defined educational trajectory or anything. just some fucking class in some fucking city.

speaking of which, i think portland's starting to get on my nerves. downtown especially. i mean, i like biking and i appreciate the familiarity, but what the fuck? i don't want to sit around here until i'm fucking thirty. people bike in nyc and san fran and boston, right? fucking london, mexico city, chicago. fucking hong kong. 'fucking' is such an ugly-looking word. more dour tthan it needs to be. I WANT TO SPREAD MY WINGS. except i have no money and no real means of procuring any (i.e. no marketable skills). which would make going to a new city a bit of a struggle. but maybe i need a struggle right about now.

in other news, i'm wearing long underwear.

when is it all gonna stop?!

i feel like being UPBEAT. there's this old bastard (gotta be at least 85) in one of my classes, and he's pretty great. he was telling some retarded story about helping the disadvantaged on thanksgiving, and the teacher thanked him for sharing and for being uplifting. "like a bra!" he croaks. it was great, especially because the teacher tried to ignore it, but a few people laughed because he's AWESOME like that. this other tme, the teacher said something about men and women being physiologically different from one another, and he says quietly "thank god." makes me want to be more FUCK IT regarding everything. explain to people that i'm old and don't care anymore about decorum. by the by, have you a-holes seen 'little miss sunshine'? because you most certainly should, if you haven't.

and your friends sing along and they love you

The only reason people lie to you and don't trust you is that they're afraid of you. Afraid you might take their little mountaintop perch in the world. But I'll tell you anything you want to know, just ask. I'm not afraid of you. Come and get me.

Ever notice how everything we ever post on here either is or could be a Rilo Kiley lyric?

One of my students has developed so much confidence and maturity in the three months that I've known him that I know I'll never let myself have a less fulfilling job than this. My only professional goal is to avoid any situation where I'm just selling my time for money. And, bitch as I may about having to work on the Man's schedule, I am in that zone these days. I didn't realize that til I started this paragraph.

we'll be:
awake
alert
positive
real good listeners
honest
brave
happy

Like the Last Time

Put it all off to the last minute. Doing things early leave you open to emptiness, the devil will have his fun.

Seriously. I think I have developed a sense to tell the exact latest second I can start some bit of work and still get it done. If I try to do it any earlier, I just end up screwing around online, blogging and such. Obviously this stratagy results in products that are the bare minimum to get by.

But I'm getting by. In grad school. So I guess I'm doin ok. Fuckit. We're fine. We're fine.

Picking Lint

Made it back from Anchorage totally unfrozen. There was a moment when I thought that we might get a bit of frostbite when we ran out of gas! Luckily jessica has friends to call and she brought us a bit of gas. Yay, thanksgiving adventures. Jessica and i ate way too much pumpkin pie and it was deleriously fun. Jessica is like a real doctor and shit, f-in-a I saw her, no, heard her save a life the other day. Ok, well, maybe not, but in surgery she got to (lucky lucky) help a surgeon clean out feces from an abdominal cavity. They found a whole blueberry! I got an awesome video called 8 minute abs. It is sweet. My abs hurt and I am on my way to becoming the lady in the video in the leotard. ah yah, watch out richard simmons, january scott is the next exercise guru. What is a guru anyways? Anyways, I am here for christmas, wish me luck with Jonathan's families' multiple celebratory events, which I am sure will be all well and good, just tiring. ALso, they want to hire me on full time. Workin' with the mentally ill 40 hours a week will do wonders for me. No, i'm serious. not joking....whatevah. Peace foos!

solid gold blinders

happy thanksgiving.

life now is freakishly similar to life a few days ago, last year, 1998.

my perepheral vision is a little screwy, and i think that somehow carries over into my general approach to life.

i had one of those dreams, you know, and it makes me feel queasy to think about it. JUST OUT OF MY GODDAMN GRASP. maybe we should all listen to Garbage today.

i'd make room for you
i would feel pain for you
i would lie for you
beg and steal for you
until you see
you're just like me

(to paraphrase)

This is where shit happens.

She comes and goes most afternoons.

Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll. I'm off to my second feast. Although I intend to drink most of this one.

(revenge) i am all

i was going really deep inside the tunnels, you know, and things were getting dire and automatic and smoky. but then last night, as i collapsed onto the floor to listen to music for like the tenth time, i experienced this moment of clarity. i had been walking like a fiend around the dark, wet neighborhood streets all day and just finished this bottle of mountain dew (first caffeine in a good while) and i felt out of sorts and scared. but then i took off my glasses and studied my hands and it struck me that i am all i have. it's sort of hard to describe from this next-day vantage point, but it felt like the most important and comforting realization ever. i think it came about partially because i was lying on the floor next to my chrome bag, meditating on its supreme utility and hardiness, when it came to me that when i go home to florida for xmas, i'm going to bike to the airport and take only what can easily fit into the bag. no excess baggage, either proverbial or actual. i am me, and i need nothing. no more bad habits, no more self-hate, no more concern. i don't need to dance in front of my parents (or anyone, really), trying to get their attention. maybe they won't give it, but i don't need it. i've been honoring them like they're dead, with these little gestures and affectations. i don't need to carry on the tradition of ANYTHING. i'm building a new life. and i need my full lung capacity.

i know a few things

here they are:

1. it is raining proverbial BUCKETS

2. it is cold out there too

3. i go home tomorrow on a train

4. looking at lots of powerpoint presentations designed for 1 hour talks all in a row make my head feel funny. not hurt. just funny. not haha funny. funny weird.

5. there are lots of bands in seattle who would love to be my friend

6. there was lightning AND hail AND wind earlier today

7. i am faster than most, if not all of the fuckers who run in the sport center

One Pump is when you Pump the Pump Once

Jesus, I've been checking this blog thing a lot, and it was allways just my last post (burden of christ) and I was like, damnit, I wanna read other ppls shit. New new new. And now, I look, and there's all this new shit that I wasn't privy to, cuz my comp sux or something. Well, happy today, it has arrived.

i've been saved

here is the best picture of fucknuts bush EVER!

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/19/world/asia/19cnd-summit.html?hp&ex=1163998800&en=eb341412b6b398d0&ei=5094&partner=homepage

he's wearing some sort of dress or something. also, the hat on the chick is good too.

save me

Dear God,

Every time I get close to you, I get pulled away even further from you.

I get pulled down. The devil is here lord, creeping inside me, he's persuading me lord, he's telling me things, he's making my body feel great lord, the body you created for me lord, your holy temple you made for me lord.

Help me lord, save me lord. Bring me back to you god, make me safe again, make me feel again lord, make me love again.

And Lord, please forgive me, for letting this devil in and letting him give me these impure thoughts and impure feelings. Im SO SORRY LORD. I love you lord.

Please save me!!!

thank you lord! now I feel better, the pain is gone lord! I love you lord!! I kneel down to you God! I cry for you god! I love you God! I thank You GOD!

Why is being gay so out this season?

Today a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend and was refusing to eat dinner because she was sad or something. So other people were like "oh, eat your food or I'll worry about you blah blah" to which I responded "look, just eat your dinner and throw it up later if you feel like it"--and for some reason people were freaked out by that. What the eff?

Great success!

Yesterday a girl at PSU asked me if I had a phone. It was probably just a weird way of prefacing a request for my number, but I'd like to think that I've been giving off the vibes that I'm the kind of guy who may or may not have access to telephone service.

And here I was fretting about the fact that I wasn't dressing homeless enough at school.

Also, caring is the new not caring.

God it's been a lovely day

And I'm on fire, so to speak.

Eff me? Eff me?

Eff you.

"You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them."

Somehow I think Erik would appreciate this too.

The Burden of Christ

Wearing a cross necklace I got in the mail. It kinda irritates my neck. Reminding me of the passion of that one guy.

My alcoholic cousin got fired, and just drove accross the country. He's in town, but I haven't seen him yet. Took January to the airport, now at work. But tonight, pee on things and bruise my arm.

THUG Life

My feet are my only carriage.

My work:



I shaved my head.

I am a rockstar, and I pee everywhere with my penis

Bloomington Indiana Now Has a SUPER Walmart

Oh my goodness.

six raspberry-filled donuts, ten press-on nails.

oh, right. i have nothing to say. excuse me.

Come ship

I feel much more at ease now. I couldn't say why, maybe just the assurance of movement. No, not quite.

Have no fear, I'm sure I'll be occustomely frazzled before the week is out.

I think I know what I'm going to do with my life. Wait, awwww, forgot. Damn, damn damn.

Now my ash tray is overflowing and I'm still staring at a clean white page.

Rediscover Masturbation

I am looking for friends on myspace....trying to figure out whether or not someone named "lindsay" who likes a book i just read, but also likes watching tv to escape would be a good friend or not. Spending an hour + sifting and searching for my new laugh mate, but I went to bed instead....thinking that why can't things be more organic anymore? Whatever. Friends will come just as winter is coming and i have decided to put up plastic over our janky old windows that probably have a high lead content in them so that they won't leak in too much cold air and suck out our warmth that jonathan and I produce in the night. I am growing my hair (again) and this time it is actually working although I get annoyed with it at times. Jonathan is still growing his too and people say we look the same (??). The biggest thing to mention is that jonathan was an alien warrior lit with el wire and I was a mushroom....an amanita muscaria I actually had a great time making the costume and all that good shit....I even ran into mario and luigi how tried to EAT ME. whack kitties. I miss blueberries and beautiful scenes that I have never seen but are portrayed on postcards and yearly calendars. Why aren't I there? And why don't I like here as much as I think i will like there and later? whatever, it is all good and all is as it should be. those goddamn buddhists have it all right. Nothing matters because everything matters and all that existential bullshit that I never think about anymore now that I am not an undergrad student. I spend my days saving lives or putzing around the house watching sex and the city (i have watched two seasons already and I am just that much more sex savvy, ya savvy?). I take care and live loose and stretch before working out. I ate too much candy yesterday got high and crashed crashed crashed. My mom gave us new silverware for a thanksgiving present and the martha stewart in my LoVes it. now if only martha would be my aunt. she hasn't answered any of my queries on myspace.