a bird in the hand

listening to pretty hate machine as the sun comes up. feel sick, decided to be vegan, throw my life away. well aware of my shortcomings tonight, painted my nails pale shimmery pink, listened to my new deftones ringtone. sleep the day away rather than buy food. flirting with disaster, necking with adulthood. the great cambodian leaflet. my selfishness knows no bounds. under the covers my fears are only dreams, snippets of nothingness that i can write off. i can follow the breadcrumbs, trace back my poor posture and distance and ISSUES, lay the blame at the base of the fire. watch it burn, turn and walk away. wait for my very own crippled sparrow to wake me up.

i want to run into a pole, smash things, lie on the floor, fly in the face of ski instructors. i want to have the ability to be normal. i do not want eye surgery. i am more alone than okay.

BUT TOMORROW I WILL GO FOR A BIKE RIDE AND BUY CEREAL (AND SOY MILK) AND GRAB LIFE BY THE SHORT HAIRS. this never happened.

oh

Uh oh, I just made a post on someone else's blog.

http://littlewhitelies.blogspot.com/2007/05/re-in-research.html

Aaaa, contact with other interneterz!

And by now they could be all "who is that" and reading this blog and THIS POST. ah Ah AHhh *ASPlodE*

proper appreciation

so i ran this race in the redwoods in northern california and i think i may lack the proper appreciation for big trees. i mean, yeah big trees, they're cool. they're old. let's cut down littler trees and save the really big ones. but really, the whole time i was thinking, big trees, big trees, where the fuck can i tie my horse? i didn't carry a goddamn 20' rope with me. i mean, that's what redwoods do, they get big. getting too hung up on redwoods or whales being big is a little unfortunate, i think.

shouldn't we be just as amazed by mosquitoes? i mean, they are really small, and yet they annoy the hell out of us. now that's fucking impressive, if you ask me.

i also don't feel like doing shit. isn't it summer or some shit?

fuck it. let's go bowling.

upfuck forever

i don't need food; i need a belt. vault red blitz tastes like a berry of some sort shat in my mouth and set it on fire. a dream about reality is more frightening than my chicken ribs. moving fast and fucking up, putting on airs and adjusting to toxins. the longer i hold out the more it will mean when i collapse. no one makes sense, these songs aren't long enough, and i wonder if everyone else can see the veil over my eyes. i fully understand everything in the world and it just makes me bored and antsy. i want to give everyone cookies, but i can't muster the strength to go into the kitchen. making a hot dog is like giving birth, and there's no hospital in sight. sometimes i'm absolutely convinced that a few more decibels will cure me, one more chorus, that last drag. all i ever get is dizzy and tired. if you touch me i'll fall apart inside and shrug outside. i can remember anything i want by avoiding stagnation. WHATEVER.

i put colorful plastics on my bike. they rattle and glitter. fuck your austerity.

everyone needs to see 'winter passing' the movie. like, now.

Ahh!

I just killed an f'n ODB bug in my apartment (only hours after stumbling upon the above graphic, oddly enough). Here's to keeping shoes on when indoors. I guess this means I have to move now. Gah!

Hoo Doo

Done. Now what? My own private renn fayre? :(
I ran into my brother and an old swim coach of mine at the bar last night. :)

I'm at work, but, I don't really plan on doing anything today. I guess I could mentor my student, but he seems pretty on top of things right now.

la revolution

my title would be more impressive if i knew how to make accent marks.

today marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. my advisor likes to joke that the best jobs he got (with wood's hole, the u.n., etc) he got because he knew french. i've recently noticed that job postings will prefer people with a foreign language and that, oftentimes, one of the most preferred languages is french. so i've decided to take adavantage of my european connections and re-learn francais. i bought some grammar books, a brand-spanking new dictionary and copies of l'etranger et le poney rouge. i figure starting with books i've read in english should help out.

i'm hoping it will pay off early. tomorrow, i take the greyhound to portland, where i will meet a woman to take me the rest of the way to a race in california. if anyone gets the idea they want to make talky-talky on the bus, i'll just speak french at them and look confused.

of course, i'm banking on the average greyhound passenger not speaking french.

but i think that's a pretty safe bet.

better off

this cold is bogging me down. but not before i cleaned out the storage area in my office and parts of the lab. the amount of organization still needed until the lab is in any shape i can feel at home in is staggering, but it beats doing real work. now i'm crapped out and i feel like i have a fever.

sleep is the balm for my beaten soul.

i read the my evaluations today. i swear i have never given anyone a "poor" rating unless i felt like they were worse than absolutely useless. i did not count the number of "poor"s i was given and really don't care to. i also don't care i just ended that sentence with a preposition.

tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow, i will be productive. i will have had a good night's sleep and will feel completely healthy and alert. ready to face the day and any challenges that may come my way. tomorrow, the weather will be nice and the birds will sing.

but not today. today is for sleep.

Reality

Starting to slip. The end is near. Fuck. So focused, but the task...

what now?

all wet and far

it's so fucking easy to drink loads of soda and not brush your teeth and stay up too late and smoke cigarettes until your throat burns and let the newspapers pile up in their little plastic bags by the door for weeks, desert the kitchen for 7-eleven muffins and plaid pantry donettes. ignore the bills and the bank balance and the future and pretty much everything but this wonderful knee discomfort. so fucking easy.

it's hard as hell to wash your glasses and your sweatshirt and call your parents and drink water and buy cereal and milk and listen to something besides cursive and bush. take out the recycling and communicate with friends and deal with the computer/internet and get out of bed before 1pm on the weekend. do something besides make shitty fragmented lists.

whatev. i'm going to MA soonish. (no more CT.) i like my job. if i didn't have a reason to get out of bed and leave the house and walk around in the daylight, things could get a little sketch. i have a rapport with a handful of mini-mart employees around this town. YES.

it's weird just how absurd it is to think about talking to strangers, being forward, girls, what? how tacky.

i read 'the notebook' and was vaguely enthralled. read the appendix called 'nicholas sparks on nicholas sparks' and was vaguely disgusted. there's way too much goddamn talktalktalk about things these days. let it fucking be, you know? i don't give a fuck if marilyn manson doesn't scare you anymore; don't brag about it to the masses in your glossy magazine about MUSIC. and why is everyone so fucking MEAN? that quote down below about paris hilton and such, what the hell? sarah silverman can be funny, but she was being MEANMEANMEAN to paris right in front of her and a big crowd, saying sexual things about paris for laughs, for notoriety. so what if she's in the news? what did she DO to make everyone loathe her so? she's just a person like us, not some fucking target for all our misplaced dissatisfaction with our own SHITTY lives. someone DARES to have fun and do what she WANTS and we call her names and talk endlessly about how we're paying too much attention to her. we can't turn away because we have NOTHING in our own lives, and what's so wrong about that? don't call HER names; we're not in motherfucking gradeschool here, are we? being mean to other people because we can? FUCK THAT. let people be free if they want to, don't try to cut them down to size to lessen the disparity between their freedom and your khaki pants. why is paris hilton more of a target than boys who party? what is it about girls that makes us fucking HATE them if they do what they want? how many boys out there are idolized because they don't give a fuck? and then courtney love is REVILED because she's a rockstar, paris hilton because GOD KNOWS WHY. we make fun of strippers and then go slack-jawed and throw money at them after 5pm. it's so FRUSTRATING. it's like that fucking preacher who got caught with drugs and a dude prostitute type. he'd rail against those things, and then go enjoy them. why do we have this shitty need to present ourselves as against things that we like? just LET IT FUCKING BE. ENJOY things; isn't that more fun than railing againt them? and don't be mean to people. that's just silly.

it's a half-assed saturday morning. i'm gonna do the hard things, eat some cereal. feel myself swell with pride. HA.

it's due to the dew

I might not have anything to say. Post kittens plz. Or presidents.

The Kidz

i just read this on an oregonian sports blog (don't look at me!). i'd subscribe if they let this guy have a column in the place of that johnson who writes about teevee in the living section.

"Stuck in Minneapolis. Stranded on the way to Cleveland. About every 15 minutes, the flight's delayed another 45.

Televisions eveywhere, Paris Hilton abounds. On Paula Zahn. On Larry King. Lots of suits worried about The Kids. That heel who defended that guy who murdered his wife and tossed in the bay off Oakland, he's arguing for Hilton. It just keeps coming at us. Stuck here. Waiting. Praying the remote control fairy will come and change the channel.

I'm not a violent man. I don't believe in capital punishment.

I want to punch Larry King. I think Paris Hilton should be executed.

I think Sarah Silverman should have Larry King's job. By any means necessary.

I think this doesn't speak a word of our criminal justice system, no matter what that guy in the suit just said. I think suggesting this says something about our criminal justice system is like saying a fart is the extent of the human body's potential.

I don't care about The Kids. I think if your kid idolizes Paris Hilton, you've got bigger problems.

I want to go to Cleveland.

I never thought I'd type that last sentence."

Wanna ride bikes?!

I heard a ADD kid lightbulb joke:

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Wanna ride bikes?!

I'm still working on my fixed gear- the new front wheel was bigger, so the break didn't fit right, so I got a new break, which required some jerry rigging. I need another part still. Also, the bottom bracket is comming loose, so I pulled the cranks (got a new tool, took apart bottom bracket) Never done that before, its exciting. Now I have to deal with ball barrings and stuff, weeee.
I should get back to my paper
Wanna ride bikes?!

Fuck

I have 8 days to write this thing. I've got one of three sections rough but done. Section two now, yesterday was tired, didn't get too much done, that's ok. Today. Fuck, where is the GO? Push button. It is TIME. Son of a bitch.




VVVV I wanna go swim in a hot spring... No, write a paper, I want to write a paper, I'll do what I want... DO EEETTTT VVVV

Fuck the Rules

I post therefore I am. I eat with my fingers and I post what I want ( "I do what I want", "what what! DO something"). Create. Burn. Destroy. Recreate.

Fairbanks

Some pictures of chena hot springs in fairbanks and my sister when she visited :) We saw four mooses on the 2 hour (total) drive. Fun times. Beautiful days. we almost got sunburns! haha.

Therapeutic

I love biting off more than I can chew, to have more than i can finish, to have to wake up and go until it only takes me minutes in order to fall asleep. Being bombarded by innane questions, to have a smiling face around every corner or even a crying one. I can be alone, but I really love to be around people. I loved growing up in a small house, loved visiting a friend in shishmaref and living in a small area with 5-7 people. I love light at all hours of the night and mosquitos so big and mean they bite through sweaters and buzz so loud they wake you up at night. I like life. It is great, huge, normal, funny, no, hilarious. Something funny in almost every situation. A student was forced (by us) to go on a very tough 9 mile hike and she laughed--at overcoming her fear of horseflies--by smashing one on her forehead. Glorious. madness in the method, emotion around every corner, smiles upon waking. I live to live more.

Goooooooooooooo!

I made a fixed gear bike yesterday. It's kinda crappy, but it works, and a little more love will make it awesome, I hope. Anyway, I rode it to school today. I forgot it doesn't have a lock on it (like my usual bike) so it's sitting at the rack vulnerable. If it gets horked I'll cry.

Also- the ridiculous little things that happen when you first ride these things: several times I tried to coast, and almost got shot off the bike. Good times.