Sunday, December 31, 2006

being school tardy

i want to leave my glasses off. i'm sick of seeing everyone else and their apparent ease with all the simple things (boy/girl happy fun time). i'd rather leave it all a blur.

i'll be on the floor if you need me.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

one wing in the fire

it seems like there's always a huge news event when i travel, but i've realized that it's just the television situation. the airports all have these blaring news channels on their countless tv sets, repeating the same thing over and over until it becomes a News Event.

i've got a dollar in my pocket.

this is probably the last time i'll ever be in this florida town. add another one to the list.

saw a fantastic sticker on a car at wal-mart: 'slow but ahead of you.' that makes me laugh.

found some old tapes my sister and i made ten years ago...pretend radio shows, fake southern accents, bizarre stories, album reviews, religious rantings. documentation is key.

what if my name was brandon and i worked at the photo developing lab at wal-mart? would i wear fitted polo shirts and frost my hair? would i talk to strangers as if i didn't care, listen to shinedown in my truck? would i be happy?

i need some food.

Monday, December 25, 2006

jesus' blood tastes eerily similar to dessert wine

though all the dessert wines i've ever had have been white.

i actually went to the 11 pm service today (i guess yesterday now) at this lutheran church with my dad. it's the first time i've been to church in a good solid 7 years but i still remembered everything; the apostle's creed and the lord's prayer--confirmation classes aparently actually work. at least for rote memorization. i found myself generally pissed off about the sermon though. i treated it like a hum 110 lecture and found it greatly lacking. for one thing, the assigned reading (the bible verses read during the service) had absolutely no relevance to the lecture (sermon) topic; the readings were never even mentioned. why the fuck did we read that shit if the pastor isn't going to even mention it? the sermon also lacked a strong thesis to drive the focus and the content was poor as well. i have a hard time giving up responsibility in my life to some father-figure deity. which was the general thrust of the sermon. obey, obey, obey and trust blindly that things are going to work out because some god is looking after you.

but i guess that's why the people at the church are so into it.

no responsibility, just obedience.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Just Fucking Stop Already

I haven't felt this alone in awhile. I know that I am a person that needs to be around people. I have always tried to surround myself with friends and/or family, or just people in general. I think that now is the time in my life where I learn to be alone. See, I have this way of looking at life where I find that life's experiences try to break my crutches so that I can learn to stand alone. e.g. I hurt my leg so that I learn that I am a very healthy person over all so I should be thankfull and use my physicality and appreciate it. I get scars on my legs when I get to egotistical about having "nice" legs, I go through tough times with my parents so that I can get along better with them. Always something to be learned through life's experiences. So, yes, right now I am living in a oasis in buttfuck america far from people I am familiar with and have things in common with and I am learning that I am alone and learning how to be alone. It is a tough lesson. And not a treasured one (yet)... A past co-worker read me my next year's horrorscope and he said that this time last year would be full of emotional strife. I think he meant this year too. But, I am learning and it is tough, but I refuse to get rid of my optimism. Sure, I may actually best be labeled as a cynical optimist, but optimism is there anyways. Cause, well, "I'm alive aren't I?"

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Vay cay

Today's my first actual day off for the holidays. I decided today would be my first day off, cuz I set my own schedule now, which is, of course, completely rediculous. Or so it seems to me.

Anyway, now that I have free time as opposed to stolen time, I miss you A holes. So, trailer in AB? What's alabama's postal code?

i don't have to drive, i don't have to talk

i don't know what moth balls smell like. they don't teach you that sort of thing in school. the woman who waited on me at the post office today had amazing hair. it looked fake. as did her face. it was hard to remain composed. it's humid outside. muggy, as they say. mi hermana arrives tomorrow, and then there's just a long weekend between me and portland.

i found a tape i made for my parents two years ago. it has tilly and the wall, dresden dolls, smoosh, modest mouse, arcade fire, and now it's overhead. possum.

there's a little trailer for rent on the outskirts of town. it has a big porthole in the side of it. it looks like it would be in a Rural South coffee table book. who wants to relocate? we could walk to the hardee's for biscuits. AND it's fairly close to a federal women's prison! what more could you ask for? that it be close to a STATE penitentiary as well? you're in luck!

i know what you want.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


i'm wading through the tons of crap my mom has accumulated, getting rid of most and organizing the rest. while it is largely a boring task, it is interesting to go back in time through the piles of newspapers. and i found a list i made, apparently in high school:


this list is obviously in no particular order. at least, i hope not.

it's possum to realize i've always been amazing.

you'll find out about possum when the t-shirts hit the streets.

Monday, December 18, 2006

i talk when i don't want to

sleep is the answer.

i've been looking at pictures from my childhood, studying the face of my past for clues. hints about who i am now, who i have become. where did i go wrong? why can't i muster more than a passable pose? i can't communicate effectively. maybe i have asbergers or whatever.

in other news, bob dylan is the light and the way.

being here in my parents' house, riding in the backseat, it's like i'm back in high school. tip-toeing on thin ice.

i don't know what love is. i am constantly wracked with self-doubt. i have this paralyzing fear of demonstrating WANT. it's safer to act nonchalant and avoid the inevitable rebuke.

so i just go to sleep.

Friday, December 15, 2006

My fake is so real it's beyond fake

I'm sitting in an airport in Las Vegas, hungover, and have a raging fever. And my plane was just delayed two hours. Good times. F the C of everyone.

we've got to protect the nation from bland food!

so, there was some wind here yesterday. and some rain. a buttload of rain. over 2" in a 24 hour period. by the time i walked home from my office, there was water pouring down my legs into my rubber boots.

it was a bad night to buy toilet paper.

supposedly, there were gusts to 50 mph in seattle, but only one tree on my street was down. one tree. can you guess what that one tree happened to fall on? i wish i had a digital camera so i could take a picture of it. a brand-new fucking mercedes. of all the cars on the street, that's the one it fell on. which is great because that fucker can probably afford to buy another car to replace his mercedes that got destroyed by an act of god. maybe he can only afford a geo metro, but i'm sure he can afford at least that.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


As seen on the internet:

"I like to watch Girls Gone Wild backward so it looks like the girls have learned their lesson."

That's all. Back to what you were doing. Or rather, weren't doing.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

charmed, i'm sure.

so, i said 'y'all' to this lady at the gas station/mini-mart and she gave me three free t-shirts.

i find myself walking around wrapped in a blanket when i'm here. the need to be covered?

i can't speak freely.

social distortion, jesse sykes. for the win.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Good thing I'm an a-hole

and I've long since disgarded all ornamental headgear as fit only for sailors and effets.


Saturday, December 09, 2006

Please disregard this.

put the smoke detectors in urine-filled pails and fix me a raw-jerkey salad. if you put a drop of horse-fucker into a bottle of champagne, what do you have? a horse-fucker. but put a drop of champagne into a room full of horse-fuckers, and what do you get? a room full of horse-fuckers. sometime's life's great like that. sometimes shoes go before socks, but sometimes it's the other way around. don't worry, i'm going to hire some guy in india to rewrite all this in limerick form.

not just salad dressing

so i've realized i'm on this paul newman kick. and why not? when you consider this:
and that was when he was an old bastard.

i watched cool hand luke last night, where newman's is in prison and calmly says," i can eat 50 eggs." he goes on to say that he can do it in an hour. this is maybe the best scene in a movie ever. i swear to god, it looks like he actually in real life ate 50 eggs. i don't think it's possible for anyone's stomach to get that distended and swollen in any other way. you've just got to fucking see it.
Slap shot
I can't wait until someone starts screaming at me when I'm on my bike. Because, when that day comes, I will immediately scream back at them at the top of my lungs: "THEY ARE GOING TO KILL THAT POOR WOMAN!" over and over again while I'm foaming at the mouth.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Possibly one of the most retarded things I've seen. And I want one.

Time for some white russians.

Christmas Time and Christmas Cheer

I know you fuckers want to know what I got jonny for christmas, but F-It, he reads this thing. So wait in suspense for your own shit in the mail. Rubber bands hurt when they snap. People who say that they are in the mental health hospital because they are going to "bring sexy back" are awesome as are fat round little kids who you just want to roll around on the floor. Meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend in the looney bin is also something to brag about and old navy has great western shirts for cheap. I will not be home for christmas, but maybe in my dreams, say yeah.

does little girls in the back of his corvette

New plan: buy Center and adopt an orangutan. Any takers? Oh, and this would also require my beard and milk scheme to go through.

In other news: you 40-hour final-finishing mothereffers. We was partners but now I am locust!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I wish I had emo hair so it would cut itself.

Done with school and listening to Japanese heavy metal at full volume. I feel like yelling. At someone. Not sure who. But I think that Powell's on Hawthorne would be a good place to start looking. It's time to stop using any qualifiers like "I think." I'm not writing it if I don't think so. And I'm not me if I'm not right.

My next lady friend (not special lady) must be much younger than me, but look much older.

And this.

Now scream.


Ever notice how we always post a lot when we're busy with homework? Course you did. Now, sing this song, cuz I'm so all about it right now.

The best, part, of waking up, is Fo oh oh ldiers in your cup!

Right NoW.


Aww Gaaaawd. Ok, I'm done, but shit if I know what I said. So, wtf wtf. I hope I'm not such a babbling idoit when I have to meet with everyone and discuss. That coulud be fun, but could be disaster.


If I knew now

Saw some biker get hit by a car (not bad, just knocked him down)

The driver was freakin OMG! ARE YOU OK?!

I wish I had something to say. I feel very devoid of content as of late. Looking at the Reed photos Sammy posted made me feel old.

Holiday season, First snow here today, Time to buy Buy BUY.

Bye bye bye

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

suit, car, wife

i walked to the library and got two social distortion cds and two books. i walked back. i'm almost through the second disc. headphones, floor. it's dark now, and i have on my blue shoes. ready to PROCEED. where, i don't know. maybe the living room. or maybe wal-mart. yeah, wal-mart.

'i fell into a burning ring of fire
i went down down down
and the flames went higher
and it burns burns burns
that ring of fire
that ring of fire'

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

cracks in the sidewalk

when i log into my email account there is a little bar that shows how much of my allotted space my email currently occupies. on the lower left-hand side of the bar is 0%, while on the lower right there is a little 100%. there is nothing in between and i find this disturbing. i mean, there is inifinite space between 0 and 100% and having no further demarcation frightens me.

a lot can happen between 0 and 100%.

Easy Come, Easy Go

as a chick walked by me talking on her cell phone, this is what she said very loudly.

easy come, easy go.

what a worthless phrase. i wish it didn't exist.

in other news, it is time for the freshman here to display to the world at large the fact that they know nothing worth hearing and probably never will. you see, every freshman here is required to take this speech class, which cluminates (apparently today, though maybe the whole week as there are a shitton of freshmen at this school) by giving an opinion speech at the top of their lungs in the middle of red square (which in turn, is in the middle of campus). i'm assuming that since most of the people on this campus had to do this at one point themselves that they feel sympathy towards these freshpeople of the u during this time of great anxiety. can you imagine something like this at reed? can you imagine the heckling you'd get from all the people who had gone before you, trying to fuck you up, but in a fun, tradition-making sort of way?

in other other news, apparently grad students do not fill out class evaluations, for which i am grateful.

Monday, December 04, 2006

protect me from what i want

'hunger hurts
but starving works
when it costs too much to love'



i forgot how awesome it feels to finish a semester. walking around downtown, dark at 5pm, going to powell's, counting down the obligations before it's time to fly away for xmas. writing papers in a computer lab filled with harried people with scarves, stopping at safeway on the way home to pick up something exciting (coffee cake! ground beef! doughnuts! tootie fruities!). i love it all.

i'm listening to placebo. last night was mazzy star. music from high school, reminding me of the great wide open. preparing me for my upcoming (one week!) trip to alabama. i feel so comfortable with my life right now, it's amazing. there's nothing i need that i don't have. except some more shoes, but whatever.

i shaved this morning, doing away completely with The Beard. in the process, i had a moustache for a few minutes, which was HILARIOUS. seriously, i cannot overstate how ridiculous i looked. i may have to recreate it after christmas. with the cross necklace and no shirt, i looked like a highly disturbing strip club dj doing a meth deal or something. which could be an amusing era to begin, really.

how come i don't have any standard metal paperclips?

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Like it shines on me

Amazingly enough, I can still be made nostalgic for Reed (I happen to think that this photo is a great thing)

More here. In other news, Reed is more beautiful than Princeton.

Nothing makes the most sense

I don't know what that says about Reedies when they are just some old farts sitting around in boring PSU classes and trying to spice it up by saying offhanded true sounding remarks. That they are awesome, hello! Clerks II was shit ass funny. Over the Hedge also hilarious. Fun fun, I love funny movies. I ahve this set of stamps that is labeled "wonders of america" and all it talks about the "largest" "biggest" "tallest" why do wonders always have to do with size? Boring, what about the dumbest person, or the fattest? That would make a good stamp. A picture of someone drooling and another of someone's immense fat rolls. I have been a bit obsessed with fat recently as many shows on in anchorage talked about and addressed anorexia and then this sexual perversion, NO, preference where they feed people and get turned on. Some guy came out of the fat closet on some show and talked about how it was a sexual turn on for him to watch his girlfriend eat. Plus, i watched what has to be the most revolting in an i-cant-look-away way called feed. rent it and be amazed. anyways, that's my fascination for the day. that and candy canes. Tis the season.

Friday, December 01, 2006


I don't know why, but recently, when I hear most people speak or read a quote of what someone said, I have this overwhelming urge to post it. Here's a good example of what I'm constantly fighting against posting:

Charles Parker, 38, happily operated his snowblower in Milwaukee.

“I just got this baby, and I’ve been waiting to break it in,” he said. “From the looks of things, it’ll get a lot of use.”

What a fucking jackass. Everything these people say sounds like it came from the fucking Onion. It's like in the Santa Land Diaries, how there was a big group of really retarded people that came through and then you (by you, I mean David Sedaris) couldn't tell where they ended and the normal people started.

last evening, after the department seminar, i was asked to be the chair of the beer and hard drug procurement committee.

i feel this is quite an honor.