Tuesday, October 19, 2010

and this

to be loved

so patrick and i are coming to portland for christmas. patrick is hosting a u of washington professor who is also a reed alum while he's on sabbatical, which is weird.

all sorts of good shit is going on but i'm still freaking out because i have roughly 450 hours of lab work to do in the next 3 months. i can do up to 4 hours of lab work a day (quality drops so precipitously after this that it's really a hindrance to try to work beyond it). i can't get into the lab on weekends. that means i can do 20 hours of lab work/week. which means i need about 23 weeks to finish my lab work. this is many more weeks than are in 3 months.

also: lots of other blah blah shit to do: mailing things, faxing things, signing this.

distractions: organizing a special session at a conference, preparing a new lecture, plotting my escape back to the PNW (90% chance i will do field work in vancouver next summer which could potentially lead to a post-doc), planning my first snow-boarding trip EVER. constantly torn between my desire to be the best and be recognized and be loved and my desire to do jack shit and read funny internets and show people how much fun i can be (spending all night drinking at conferences, anyone?) so i can be loved...

i've been "working from home" a lot these days. which i suppose is an awesome concept if it were actually real.

did you guys know that this thing called TELEVISION existed? this last summer, we got super-obsessed with lost, which i knew would happen and i fought it but you can only fight so long. but lost is over, so now we're searching for a replacement show. preferably one that is written intelligently, has some sci-fi elements, had a long run on tv (so we can watch show after show and not run out of material in the near future).

JONNY!!!! did you know peter russell is retiring?!!!! i guess it shouldn't be too surprising, but somehow it is. the only contact i had with him was answering his quantitative question on the junior qual.

i wear all the right clothes, but they don't fit right. why does that girl over there (that one, right THERE) look so awesome in her leather jacket and i still look like an awkward 13 year old? i can never get clean enough, even when i scrub and scrub all day.

i obviously need to post here more as this has just become a long rambling screed about absolutely nothing interesting. alright: pull it together, get more coherent, conquer the world! but first, sleep. it's 1:30 in the morning where i am.

Labels: , ,

Monday, October 04, 2010

I am useless as fuck

Going to try and keep this as short as possible. I am at university right now and am 19 years old and can’t do anything right. I already failed out of university last year and told myself that I should go back and live with my mum and get a job and that next year would be “better”. This seems to be a recurring problem in that I will put EVERYTHING off to some other time and never get round to doing it, or just leave it so long that it is nearly impossible for my child like brain to accomplish. I spent that entire year fucking around with my friends and pissing off my mum until she practically hates me.

So yeah it is the start of the 3rd week and I am already fucking up and can’t seem to fix simple things that go wrong. Didn’t sign up for the tutorials in time for my main class even though I had a full week and it took less than 10 minutes to do. I have missed so many lectures already that most of the classes don’t make sense and can’t be fucked reading notes. This is my last chance at university and really want to stay but can’t seem to do anything.

I basically spend all of my time in my room, sitting on my laptop reading forums and watching youtube videos, leaving only to go to the toilet or for some food. I can’t cook and am painfully skinny but find it really boring cooking and have no motivation to learn or really go to the shop to buy more food.

I get anxiety attacks or panic attacks periodically for no reason it seems which can last hours but don’t want to go see the doctor about it and don’t even know where about the doctor is in this city or how to register to see them.

I want to cut my hair and go to the gym but am afraid of what people will think or that I have “changed”. I care way too much about what people think of me even though I know that it is not rational. I can’t even listen to music in my room because I don’t want to annoy my flatmates even though they do it as well. I try way too hard to please other people and make everyone like me when all I would rather do it tell them to shut the fuck up. Even people I don’t like, I will try to make them like me and get pissed off when they want to hang out.

Sorry for this massive fucking whine, I realise how pathetic it is. Oh yeah and I slept in and missed all my lectures for the day. Go me!

So here’s my pathetic life. Shout at me until I change it.