>:)

Go time bitches

oh

dude yesss,

i'm tired.

But really, all good. i hope...

beating what sparks

pick a set of words and spend an amount of money, link yourself to the feeling you remember. drive the same old route with your eyes closed, blink twice for maybe. fondly forget those shining moments, empty yourself out for the new day. clean clean dirty. this purity is as catastrophic as it is familiar. wait in line for some distance and some seamless transitions.

got a ticket to the desert.

i am not what i think you want me to pretend to be. all these circles collapse on a single hollow center; the ghastly boring shivering truth has no color or taste. i can't dig any deeper than this, i swear. i'll wake up tomorrow and pile on the layers, slowly take the shape of the boys and girls in the young adult novels, talking like i have a voice, walking like i have somewhere to go. and i KNOW this isn't that unusual; i got these fucking decorations secondhand. i'm unoriginal to the point of nausea. but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy a good sinking feeling every once in a while.

i'm. hiding. under cover of silence. tossing out blank hints aimed at the ground. pleading for you to walk on by (please don't) and always come back (stay away). i want what i wish i could recognize and do not want what i see.

acting: kicking newborn habits before they take root. making a show for the imagined.

take a break and don't look so content. okay? half laughing, TURN UP THE VOLUME.

Sister Mary

I wish I could give comfort to the weak, myself included.   I wish I could gain approval from everyone in the world and be perfect.  I wish that I didn't have a chip on my shoulder and wasn't a lost soul like everyone else in the world.  I wish I was more unique than every unique soul out there and that I could also be the same and know how everyone else felt.  I am a lost soul, I wish someone would find me and show me that I wasn't really lost. That I am right here.  I wish that when I looked back, I would recognize myself, own my actions.  I wish I wasn't so melodramatic, so emotional, so irrational.  I wish I could stay in touch, care enough to save the world and everyone in it and calm your mind, but I can't.  I wish I could, though.  

what if words were hours?

recovering from an immobile led zep kate nash soda tetris weekend. want it to be daylight, want to be surrounded by people, want to wear sunglasses, want to stop falling apart. need to go somewhere. maybe i'll look into tickets to the desert. finally get marked, get clean, get reminded. candy and cigarettes. maybe i'll mail a book, write on an envelope, play the tireless game. put my best fake foot forward.

i don't even know who you are, but i wish you the best. knock 'em dead, square your shoulders, shrug it off. i'd give you anything if it meant something. i'd stop hiding behind symbols and allusions to emotions. i wish i could have even just a little bit of your feel. just enough to know what i'm missing, enough to show me what i need to develop. watch your mail, yo. you may be a winner.

i'm making myself happy this week. switching gears, shifting my gaze forward, walking straight.

i'm much more alive in my head than in my shoes. keep telling myself i'm just waiting for a reason, but i tend to lie. and i'm easily fooled. maybe i'll write the future.

good or evil

actually did some work today on my actual thesis--that was amazing. data analysis is so boring it makes me want to cry. there's a date on my calendar for defending to which i feel 100% committed. there's also a vague date for the move to berlin: january (at the latest, i'll probably leave right after i defend. which, according to my calendar is the first week in october). i'm starting to get nervous about the whole thing and my family is starting to ask uncomfortable questions. "are you moving there for good?" being near the top of the list.

but the good news is i'll have easy access to "fuck" wristbands. and the love parade: "The police of Berlin are usually quite tolerant when it comes to people enjoying themselves. There haven't been any major incidents in over twelve years of parade history: except for the high drug use and people passing out due to dehydration or hyperthermia, the number of injuries as well as the number of crimes is extraordinarily low" (wikipedia). sounds like they could use some major karma patrol efforts.