Thursday, August 30, 2007

fake it if i have to

bumbershoot is this weekend and i'm going soon to buy tickets for sat. the shins, panic! at the disco, blah, blah blah. honestly, i want to spend the weekend in bed.

what's wrong with me? is it my anemia? overtraining for the marathon? the new medication the doctors put me on?

more likely it's just simple laziness.

but i'll laugh and embrace all my friends.

tv has really been getting a lot of my attention lately. i think i may have dismissed it too soon. of course, it's full of rank-and-file cocksuckers trying to make us want to be like them, but it can also be AMAZING. like when supernanny saved a couple from divorce AND got the kids behaving themselves. or when jael (on a re-run of last season's america's next top model) pissed off 50 cent so much he pushed her into a pool at an up-scale party. so yeah, you have to have half a brain and realize tv is hypnotizing you to buy shit, but then it can be very worthwhile, i find.

in other news, i bought lots of shit today that tv convinced me was cool to help me forget i can't afford things.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Away at Scientific Meeting

I am away at a scientific meeting party in the desert until September 5, 2007, and I may not be able to answer your E-mail. I will respond as soon as possible.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

the hardest part

of research is reading. i can FIND papers all day, no problem.

but then i have to sit down and READ the motherfuckers? that's no good.

the best part: what do i do to procrastinate? read blogs, read the stranger, re-read the entire lord of the rings trilogy. so i read to avoid reading. genius. but as we all know, there's reading and then there's reading.

informal poll: what do you do if someone says something to you repeatedly in a language you don't understand?
a. repeat the phrase
b. assume they are trying to be understood and attempt to translate
c. turn up the music, shrug your shoulders and mouth "i can't hear you"
if i get enough responses, i might have a valid argument, so don't hold back.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

take a stab at me

she's another cigarette in my black parade, a part of the withering stream of disappointment. i am emerging more alive and more enraged and more independent and more jaunty than ever before. i can thank her for highlighting my last remaining vulnerability, for splashing some light on my childish fears. i am growing into a giant bottle of soda, a vault for my insecurities, a mountain of refreshing dew, a new beginning with each missed sunrise. i have waking dreams about sleeping, i have nightmares about being awake. i am as empty as a boy can be. i breathe in the spirits of those around me, exhaling as soon as they turn away. the meditation of appropriation, the sickliness of my missing identity. i will, as the man says, fuck you till you love me.

(what else is great is old trail of dead. so sloppily complicated, earnest, smirking, hinting at the manic perfection to come. i could listen to it forever.)

Thursday, August 16, 2007


Passed my prelim orals yesterday. Finally watched that Electric Dragon 80,000V movie- wow. :D

That's it!

I'm changing my name to God-King. (Or at least my honorific.)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007




Monday, August 13, 2007

Cock Ass

Fucking Monday. And reading Jesse's happy Friday post doesn't help. You can say fuck cologne, but don't you dare say fuck Garfield. Cuz, even if he's Pop, he's rad. And fuck Monday. And February. I have been dreading the onset of Winter all summer long for some reason. Liz, you said that once, I blame you, today. (By the way, Today is Fucking Monday.) I have my orals on Wednesday. I guess I should be worried about that. Maybe I am, but all I feel is the same old Monday Bullshit. Even when things, good, bad, whatever, are NEW, it all stays the same. At least on Fucking Monday.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

she is sure (no i am not)

feel fucking ill and darty. evacuate! evacuate! i want all the words on my skin, right NOW. i need the clarity of movement, the blindness of travel.

one word and we're back where we started. i can swear anything off for a few days, forget my vows until i hear my name, collapse back into you. i'm losing my grip on the structure of sanity. this all feels like an experiment that shouldn't have gone on this long.

i can stay here forever. but i want you to ask me to leave. okay?

Friday, August 10, 2007

don't fall in love with everyone you meet

i am worried about nothing. bright eyes, relishing the excuse, wired daylight sleep. obsessively breathing and writing, walking past blank memories. i NEED some new clothes, value village, stay firmly apart from the clean-cut lunchbox scene. you want one of them? there are thousands of tools out there getting haircuts, shopping for plain pants and wearing cologne, neatly matching the billboards. have fucking fun. i'll be passing you as you sit in your shiny new car, oblivious to my true freedom.

a few more hours.

flawed is your friend

awake early, listening to noisy old trail of dead, loud. mouth tastes like death and cigarettes, room needs cleaning for serious. leaving town tomorrow fucking night, go east '07. nothing ever changes, which is pretty funny and reassuring. i need to get out of the house ride the bike do shit go somewhere today. ride fast, get wet, be free. bang bang bang start over, remember the reason. i was scared that my bike was effed due to a weird noise last night, but then i realized it was my wallet chain hitting the underbelly of the seat. HA. so i went faster and breathed easier. hello, kitty.

y'all are my goddamn solid gold rocks. when i say i am in love with no one, i mean besides you.

i always miss something. i guess that makes me carry on. or something. i like funny and loud and absurd. friday!


Thursday, August 09, 2007


I have a bit.

Make something.

I really want to run run run, but there's no where. Can't get away from me, or something.

Down, down, down, up? Get some.

Remember the reason, future? It's so easy to forget... And I want to forget... no, not really, something...

punch to self

getting sick of always having to find something to be anxious about, a reason not to sleep. chill the fuck out, dude. relax, go to the airport, close your eyes. come to terms with daylight, lay off the dew, etc whatev.

right. NO. i embrace this. i writhe on god's floor like an ecstatic cat, and i don't have to stop. anxiety makes me real and fear makes me light and soda makes me pee. if i don't worry about these people, who will? food and kitchens are not for me these days. i can't be weighed down. i'd rather stare out the passenger window of a new car, hug myself and pretend i'm dreaming. mumblemumble false perception shake off this hope pollute this clean air delay that repair the daylight keeps pushing. i've never given myself over to anyone, and the prospect makes me weak. always retreating and making conversation and saving myself for some uncertain future.

i feel sick with separation.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

the way i like to get hit

i am fucked-up real. somehow i stay thin, blow chances. i can coast like a penguin, but i don't have to. i can be awake like a car accident. punch me as hard as you fucking can, 20 class a cigarettes, pour me full of your childhood, i'd shiver for hours. 'it's dumb but i want some anyway.' LOUDly make me sick and i'll love you forever.

i go from church steps to park benches, 3am, go-juice in my bag, tiffany cigarettes in my pocket. i can't land anywhere for long, untie the knots in my stomach only to bruise my knuckles on whatever's handy. i want to be more than a passing blip on your screen. i am so fucking afraid that i will misstep and my blanket will fall away and it will all go up in smoke. i don't want to be stuck here forever; i need some sort of approaching dawn to keep me wired.

i listen to these songs on repeat for hours because it's better than thinking. 'too numb to know that i'm happy.' such a delicate illusion, but i'll chase it until i can't breathe and my legs are on fire, as long as i can focus on you some of the time.

i don't care about the things i haven't done, the rites of passage i've ignored, the common experiences i've bypassed. i just want to be the kind of person that someone could LIKE. i need to let go of ALL THIS SELF-IMPOSED ISOLATION AND WITHDRAWAL. i need to do the things written on this envelope, or else this will be another one of those ridiculous days.

no matter how close to the truth i think i'm getting, it ALWAYS comes out sounding like a bunch of gibberish. this MEANS something to me, i fucking SWEAR. i'm not just typing like a monkey because i like how it looks. i find the statement that will make me the most queasy and puke it out, assume it's some kind of THING.

but honestly, i'm pretty awesome right now. i've got loud music and a fast bike and a telephone and the promise of getting out of this portland prison soon soon soon. wedding bells in the distance, a blank desert slate. i dare you to look me in the eye.

Shit Post

That white stripes youtube i sent y'all blew my mind.

Done with ma prelim revisions. :D

Hungover- beeping centrifuge pisses me off. >:(

<3 to you all.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Retardedly Easy

Just give me a Dr. for my name you chumps. What are you, handing this shit out like candy?

Just kidding, kinda.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

doing their part

it appears as though one family in america is single-handedly keeping the population growth rate at 2.1 kids/woman:

personally, i find it a relief that this family has really taken god's commandment to "be fruitfull and multiply" without bothering to adopt. what this world needs is more people, gosh darnit, not to take care of the ones it already has!

waiting to wake up

i can feel a ship approaching; i just hope it's not one of those make-believe ships.

tori amos, dramarama, cleaning my room, thinking vaguely of bettering myself, going to the library. i want to be protected, safe, tired. it's like i'm ALWAYS holding back, so much that i hardly even notice anymore. right? when can i relax and spit up? i don't let myself cross the street without making damn sure which side is better. fucking annoying.

so action movies might be pretty rad, actually. why not? and blink182 just came on the radio. YES.

'but everybody's gone
i've been here for too long'


i can do this forever, i think. i'm so afraid of being an asshole that i pre-emptively act like one. DON'T FUCK THIS UP.

why is there food besides cereal? who are we kidding?

i can make promises because i have an empty heart and a way with words.

sometimes i forget that other people can see and hear me. that this isn't a big weird dream of mine. waiter, there's a flaw in my solitude!

Saturday, August 04, 2007

It's Fucking Easy

What. What. Do something. Take four weeks. What? No? Ok, how about two days. Fuck you, its easy. I could do it in one. I still charge for four weeks though.

In short, Fuck You, Lemons.

This image reproduced without permission from

Friday, August 03, 2007

could make me like baseball...

ichiro is my new hero:

i will copy you until i feel something.

of course. black/pink boy/girl self/hate pretty/tough. it's almost impossible to imagine, you know? i'm treading very carefully, waiting for the other shoe to drop, bracing for the inevitable blows. i've steeled myself with this vacant sneer; just try and touch me. [please.] disagree with my blurry eyes and weak wrists. [please.] right. stop being that.

i don't know how to do anything.

hands off, rely on plain phrases and dull glances. i get sick from being hopeful. but it's okay; i relish unbalanced queasiness. keeps me ALERT.

and make a noise.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Next Blog! Next Blog!