using kimwipes as kleenex and beakers as cups

Shivering hold steady fuck me profanely this hurts but i like pretending you like me.

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new plan

i watched "jesus camp" last night and was terrified. i need out of this country, but i have to write this goddamn data analysis bullshit for my forest ecology class first.

and a bullshit thesis.

and maybe a bullshit dissertation.



austria '08 anyone? vienna is the new paris, where fisheries biologists live like kings.
really:

IIASA

i came.

decide to hold on as long as i can, down the caffeine at midnight, turn up the hold steady. i make mistakes for a living. bad idea, an excuse to get hurt. remain silent, chew some more gum. these are times that can['t] be weathered. fake drama in my dizzy head. you can make them like you. i can't.

but i CAN pet a cat and ride a bike, dammit.

damnit

I'm behind on everything by an hour. Thought it was daylight savings, so planned on it being 10:30, but now it's 11:30. Now I don't have time to read all the geniusness that y'all have been typing. damnit. Behind on everything today, seriously.

I am now drunk and at sea, watching myself fuck up. Torture in seattle, incremental death. Nauseous lifestyle, purposeful

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I am now drunk and at sea, watching myself fuck up. Torture in seattle, incremental death. Nauseous lifestyle, purposeful

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This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

I am now drunk and at sea, watching myself fuck up. Torture in seattle, incremental death. Nauseous lifestyle, purposeful

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This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

103 graphs in 2 hours

so i've got this big motherfucking assigment due on monday at midnight for my forest ecology class. it's based on analyzing some bullshit data we collected on our first field trip using this totally bullshit statistical method (pca, for all you stats geeks). some people have been working really hard since a week and a half ago when we were shown how to use the software package. i hadn't touched it since that lab until yesterday. i was waiting for the specific assignment to guide me.

so i'm in the lab today with all these other jokers and they're talking about how it's totally impossible to do this in two days.

which concerns me a little.

because that was totally my plan, given jesse is spending the weekend here.

it's just my superior intelligence's time to shine.

i hope.

either that or my overconfidence's time to lead me to ruin.

end of an era

i came into the office this morning to see 15 emails from my advisor relating to the class i ta next quarter. from now until june, that's all it's going to be.

i talked to my mom last night. she had to have my horse put down on friday but couldn't handle calling me until then. we had her for 17 years, which is a pretty big motherfucking piece of time to have an animal. she was two months older than me and while i knew this was coming sometime in the not-so-distant future, it still shocks me. i'm also surprisingly sad, given that i didn't really get along with her or even ride her that much in the last 10 years and she bit me (badly) more than once.

my great-aunt also died, and so i'm dealing with the guilt that when my mom told me about my relative dying (first) i wasn't that sad as i wasn't that close to her and knew she was going to die, but when my mom told me about my horse, i spent the next hour crying with her over the phone.



but america's next top model is on tonight and jesse is coming to seattle this weekend, so things are looking up.

some tilted pride

various realisations lost in the fucking rain and the convenience stores. i am incredibly empty inside. put on airs of morality and decency, act right to make things easier. but i have no lines drawn within me. there's no god and devil, no right and wrong. death means nothing, feelings are irrelevant, anticipation is boring. i am boring. no need to write everything down anymore; i can sum everything up with a cigarette downtown in the rain and wind, staring at someone else's shoes, waiting for my watch to display the numbers that mean i need to walk in another direction. entwined with imaginary lovers for $20 a pop, chewing stale gum to chase away the dizziness, occupy my nervous muscles. dreaming of absent villains from an uncertain past, gladly awaking to the wet and the cold. trying in vain to fill my mind with disdain, finding it hard to muster up the necessary vehemence. my inherited distance keeps me safe from harm.

i swear there was something really real last night. lucinda williams over and over, couldn't sleep, twitching with brainstorms about myself. that's all that ever really matters, apparently. i am more than an island, i'm a fucking pillar in a goddam ruin. the remnants of an adopted lifestyle, held together with cheap jackets and fast bike rides. i will never see myself.

...whatever i'm talking about. i'm not sure anymore, to be honest. i love life and hate myself sometimes. i just had 32oz of sparks. it sounds petty to say that i don't care. tacky, even. but i really don't. i love listening to this music repeatedly, crawling inside the songs, lamenting the volume limits. i can forget myself for minutes at a time with the right songs, breathe easily, ease up a tad. but as soon as they're over, it's right back to this darkness and this vacancy and this lack of direction and this loneliness and this crippling laughter. maybe i need to start wearing hats more often.

back to lucinda. keep running and playing, lying and panting. keep relaxation at bay, write a few lines to get a reaction, convince myself i'm more whole than i feel. except nobody is whole, nobody is real. i can't make this loud enough to win you over, but i'll be damned if that'll stop me from trying. if you would lift a fucking finger, i'd break my own heart in your name.

dude

I felt like death a lot of this week. All the trees must feel it, cuz they're starting to turn colors.

Shakespeare is good.

the contest

so patrick and a couple of his european friends have a contest going on to find which country has the worst music videos. i have now gotten involved with this game, but have no real hope in winning, given these fine selections:

bioman (france)
le rap des muscles (also france)
stach stach (serbia)
welcome to korea (sung in serbian by a korean girl)(serbia/korea/who knows?)

some pretty fucking stiff competition. i have yet to see the german submission from patrick. though we all agreed bioman was the worst thing possible (or the best?) on saturday night, i also appreciate the cow in "le rap des muscles."

if you have any nominations for the usa, let me know. keep in mind that anything on mtv will most likely have had production quality that will be too high for this contest and the presence of lame costumes and/or farm animals will be impressive in the standings.

dying to come out

the forest ecology class i'm taking is much larger than it has been in past years. as a result, the instructors have been forced to find new, creative places for our small discussion groups to meet. my group meets in a closet. i'm not shitting you, we meet in an actual motherfucking closet. a field equipment storage closet, to be precise.

there are 5 people in my group: two education majors, a chinese guy who looks to be all of 10 years old (but is probably the smartest one in there), one chick who knows something about botany and me. i came out looking like the genius of the group after putting in exactly 0 minutes of prep time. hopefully this trend continues.

judging by the others in my group it will.

as long as ma's english doesn't pick up.

the freshmen in my german class have been freaking out about all the work it is and how they're going to do and blah blah blah. i've been laughing at them and thinking they don't know what real work is. however, we have an exam on friday, so i actually took the time to look over how i've been doing on my homework and i'm realizing that i'm very likely going to get a "c" on this test. and that's if things go well.

fortunately, 100 level classes mean jackshit to me. though one might also wonder why i'm bothering if i suck at it.

Oh

So

-Go ape-shit with green, like Jack with the red.
-Coffee cake.
-Come up with something to post.

pretty good looking (for a girl)

so the boyfriend's gone to a conference for a week and i'm off the running for a while (due to my jacked ankle) and i had the craziest thought. i can stay here at the office super-late. get tons of shit done. be really amazingly productive.

the fact that i'm sitting here typing this has brought me back to reality.

i could indeed, stay here until midnight.

but i would most likely get jackshit done.

today i started thinking about the holiday newsletter i will write later this year rather than doing some actual work. i'm thinking of some great shit and it's really cracking me up. something to think about when i'm walking.

yesterday, i was walking to german class and this woman looked at me and made a face. it wasn't a good face. it made me think that i maybe didn't look so good afterall.

sex bang wasted hair

living the dying dream like it's the last thing going. last week strip club date rape mercedes airport cigarettes, trail mix and folded arms. yesterday rock show back pocket everclear drummer's tequila revenge one headlight don't blink don't blink dnt blnk, free hamburger and tall techno gents. a smoke-filled world of measurements and musicians, drugs and black boots. go to work in the morning, drink soda/coffee, skip lunch in favor of the telephone and the cancer. make cookies, eat cereal, spaz out to early bright eyes. text IS romance.

i make like i'm not staying but i get winded easily. i make each stare blank, each glance incidental, each phrase empty. the shell of an aspiring burnout, yr concern sets me on fire. i impress myself with this repitition. christ.

so, i'm at work right now, you know, working. um. oh god.

church of latter-day pheidippides

i head to p-town tomorrow afternoon on the ever-increasingly despised 'hound to run a marathon i feel ready for in only the most abstract way.

i don't even know what that sentance means.

but patrick gave me some amazing diesel sunglasses and i'll have my ipod with me to protect myself from the masses.

training hasn't been going well, but i'm banking on everything coming together in a miraculous way on sunday and having those 26.2 miles whip by faster than ever before. well, faster than i've ever run 26.2 miles before. which would really be something, honestly.

everyone should watch the movie "darkstar." it was made by john carpenter when he was in film school and ends before it starts to get on your nerves; something more sci-fi movies should learn to do.