Monday, May 29, 2006


This is from some forum I visitied a few years ago. It's genius, -to me anyhow.

well, i have to admit i am addicted to a computer game. I am addicted to starcraft, as much as i dont want to keep playing i have to keep plapying. I have to get my record up so everyone can see it. I cant have a loss, whenever i lose i unplug my computer so that it will nto count as a loss. My name on starcraft is "ELITEDRAGON[DD]" but please dont harrass me. I need the game, I want to keep my same name, i love the game. My wife divorced me because of my addiction, and i have no regrets. If someone would like to help me, FUCK YOU. I dont know why i started to write this i love starcraft, i'll play the game til the day I die... MY LIFE FOR AUIR!!!

no wear

Very fucking pretty mr night. Warm, like an unrefrigerated apple.

Orange juice and cookies.

Take note, warm does not equate to summer, in the sense you might be thinking.

Book and video game.

Go to bed, bed, bed, be productive, ductive, tive.

Drug and drug.

Is this low? Am I low? Is this going as planned? As needed?

Very fucking dark Mr. B. Like an unrefrigerated metaphore. for. Whatev Rr.

a weight-lifting record.

this empty space in between engagements (unemployment) is fraught with the usual teases. i keep catching little glimpses of a better answer, not just another stupid job. selling books online, getting an inheritance, etc. it's like when i was in grade school and i would allow myself to imagine missing a day of school. for a few seconds, i would be entirely weightless, ecstatic that i didn't have to go to school. and then i would come crashing back, realising the inevitability of it all. these few days are those few seconds, with impending poverty acting as my mom. this is one long, anguishing sunday night, as monday morning creeps up. FUCK.

i spent the day in bed, basically. dresden dolls. quick trip to F-4-L for cereal and milk. shitty 2006 version of food-4-less chick was my cashier. my eyes are going out of focus. time to go back to bed.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Just in Case

you guys were wondering: here.

Compare and contrast.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

someone's godness

there is no one at the center tonight but me, and i'm listening to team dresch, kinda loud. i feel like i'm 16, by which i mean i feel like i'm about to come undone.

rode in critical mass today. it was raining lightly, and there was hardly anyone there. i was riding with a group of fixed-gear messenger-types, and it was cool. and then i remembered that i don't talk to anyone, and so i had to break off and go fast.

the plan: get through this weekend, and then press Start.

Friday, May 26, 2006

those soaked cuffs

i'm going to be quite composed for a while. not quite austere, but definitely less unraveled. instead of wishing away certain inconveniences, i'm going to address them. i'm also going to stop talking about myself.

genius phrase of the day: kill and release.

when the future is here, we will all be calm. whatever that means. in the airports they tell you where the bathrooms are and let you be; this is how i envision our future. nice clean tiles, well-marked bathrooms, hands-free management. generic bliss.


i don't mind, really. it's not like i was THAT serious, anyway. i was probably kidding myself, right? i mean, what was i thinking? it's as if i forgot that i don't exist, like i suddenly thought i was sitting right next to her. forgive me. at least i'm getting better at feigning sleep, pretending to read, keeping my eyes straight ahead. i'm better off on the floor, anyway. christ.


here's what i know: the dresden dolls are like gods, and i need some new pants. or at least fewer pants. if that makes sense. goshDANGit this wasn't seeming so scattered earlier. too much milk, i guess. i am mostly comfortable, though. except i can feel myself falling back into my easy pants, and i need to keep reminding myself that there are other options. OTHER OPTIONS. that is the key, kids. if i didn't fall in love with girls in airports, it would be in grocery stores. OTHER OPTIONS. and now i've made a point. goodnight.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

don't leave the house

tomorrow i will head to the mountains for a brief respite of desert heat.
in our lecture this morning, we were warned of the dangers of alititude sickness (we'll be camping at 9,000'+), dehydration, dead trees falling on us, police dogs (we will be working near a heavily guarded, multi-million dollar observatory), insect stings/bites, sunburn, freezing, lightning, fires and dangerous tourists who don't know what side of the road to drive on.

personally, i don't buy it.

at 9 am, it was around 85 degrees F in Tucson. it was about 38 degrees F where we'll be camping.

good times

German Phrase of the Day

This is something I will now say when people ask me where I'm from.

"Ich erhebe mich wie eine gewaltige Erektion aus den provinziellen Staubflusen des Los Angeles Elendsviertels."


"I soar like a mighty erection out of the provincial dust-river of the Los Angeles slums."

Adapted from here, the cutting edge of German rock.

In other news, nine months down here in Germany, two more to go. Psychologically, I'm already done.

Also, a photo. I didn't come to Germany to work, I came here to live. And look how Sammy's living!!!

In case you can't tell, this is me getting my groove on. Or performing fellatio. One or the other.

and falling off

i am back at the center and i am feeling vaguely ill and it is 1:18am and i have been up forever and i am in the throes of a staggering depression and i will be better tomorrow. the past three weeks were filled with entries to this website that never quite left my head and now all i can say is 'thank you ellen, thank you quiznos, thank you god.'

Monday, May 22, 2006


Be here, near, cook it, eat it, ride, work, ride, buy, ride, call but don't go, think, sleep, play hard, rock out, taco bell, use chopsticks, feed the dog, drive, jump to conclusions.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

all wrapped up

as i was starving after sitting through 3 hours of lecture, i decided head straight for the student union to get myself fed. as i was joining the lunch rush, i decided to check out something other than the exceptionally long line at papa john's. so i went upstairs, where UA's version of commons resides and got a bad feeling about it at once. which i quickly dismissed and pressed on, determined to get a thai chicken wrap. i should have just moved on when i grabbed the wrong wrap (the people making the wraps were very quiet and "nick" actually did sound like "liz"), but i stayed through it. things went further awry when they told me they were out of thai chicken. then i noticed the woman making my wrap was completely inept, as she had put the wrong cheese on it and dumped half a bucket of teriyaki all over it. yet still, i took what was offered to me and went on my way, only to discover that, as i had planned on returning to my dorm room before lunch, that i had left my debit card behind. i left the wrap to wallow in social awkwardness alongside the cashier i told i would soon return with debit card in hand. i did. and i went straight to papa john's, now determined to never return to the ill-fated college food service area. a goal easily accomplished as getting there requires going up a flight of stairs that lead to nothing good.
by the way, here's my vote for parliament in cyprus:

Monday, May 15, 2006

red and brown and hot all over

i made it through the flight to tucson on only half a xanax and noticed right away how ugly the desert becomes when you build a giant city on it. the desert was not meant for cities; for large populations. its resources are limited and the whole thing feels strained. the rooms are frigid and the outdoors are baking, creating the uncomfortable burden of having to carry a bunch of clothes around with you that you shouldn't at any time need at this time of year in this area. the people all talk like they're valley girls except for the people in my class; fellow graduate students from the university of ontario, university of wyoming, oregon state and others from norway and nepal. in march it seemed ridiculous to be sent by a prof from the university of washington to the university of arizona to take a class on interpreting tree rings, but i have found out that the program is world famous. at least, that is what the british professors, and students from canada, norway and nepal tell me.
expect to hear more from me as i am in total culture shock.

my 20-year-old roommate (yes, i am staying in a dorm with a very energetic, catholic and boy-crazy undergrad) informs me that her hometown in southern new hampshire is totally flooded.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

She's Got Shades of Color

Slightly drunk on apple wine, listening to Minipop, reading 120 pages of Hegel auf Deutsch. Saturday Night. Thing's aint bad.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

closet space

can someone just take care of the little stuff for me? you know, finding me a place to live in seattle. arranging payment for my class in arizona. you know, the boring shit in life i really just don't want to deal with. not that the compensation would be good, it wouldn't. i'm pretty much prepared to offer the closet in whatever apartment you find me in exchange for doing all the shit work of my life. so keep that in mind--you best find an apartment with a fucking huge closet.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Mr. Ryland

I was introduced to a teenager today. He tells me that his math teacher from a couple years ago was a Mr. Ryland. A nearby kid pokes his head up and says "you had Mr. Ryland too? Crazy Mr. Ryland?" Turns out this Ryland character is well known for his Vietnam War tales. I guess his gang was responsible for dropping toilet paper out of airplanes or something.

To Be Frank

Ok, so sammy is gonna shave his head and kick other people's heads. For jonny, we need something more, teen-age suburban white girl. Or norwegian.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Mooooving Along

The tension is thick in this house and I am pacing the room like a polar bear in a zoo. The days are longer, but no warmer. I am ready for the bonfires and beers at sunset at 11 at night. I finished reading a Phillip Pullman series and how come we don't have access to different dimensions/universes? Or armored mercenary fighting bears? But, I am 27 and I love it. I finally have smiling eye wrinkles. Take that, world.
everytime i see french porn it's something involving extraneous household fixtures like an old man screwing a woman through a mail slot

Friday, May 05, 2006


huey lewis & the news. did it ever really happen, or was it all just a terrible dream?

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

fresh out of necessity.

this trip will be CHEERY, goddammit. old navy and banana republic and all that. laughter. light. and when i return, on may twenty-third, there will be a new tilly & the wall album. and it will be good.

also: tori amos says sex to me.

also: i miss loveline and trashy 94.7.

also: i am addicted to the mock danger of secondhand smoke.

also: slide.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Now is Then

So I just finished this 10 page lit review, and I feel like I just finished the intro to my thesis. It's time to come home, make some dang quesadillas, have a pabst, and listen to Deebs. Honestly, the similarities are staggering. Same computer. Same music. Same stimulants. Same- holy shit, go go go. Just less people I know around. Ya know what? Weak.

she wants revenge

she has a glint in her eye, a hardness in her heart, a shard of glass in her hand and a black zip-up hoody with she wants revenge in red on her torso


why the fuck does sammy have 290 profile views? who are these people looking at his profile? he just posts about germans and sex and sex and head shaving and everyone wants to find out more? what's that about?
I think I'm going to shave my head as an expression of resentment against lord knows what. Why? Cause fuck em, that's why. For serious. This goal is slowly becoming fixed in my head for reasons unbeknownst to me. So when I come back to the US of A, I may look like this. Exactly. Exactly. The clothes too.

a fiesty stripe.

gosh. i just got up, and everything is honestly lovely. sunny, before noon, clear head. the trees all have individual leaves these days, not just green masses. if i had a station wagon, i'd drive it to the zoo. as it stands, i'll settle for a bike ride to wal-mart and the bank.

what she said.

Monday, May 01, 2006

to be recycled.

there is no time for such things. the necks of my shirts no longer bother me. when i was young and silent, i felt strangled. now my mouth lies open while i watch the ground, oblivious to what's leaking out. it used to amaze me when i saw the lives of others; now i don't even slow down. striding purposefully toward that Vague Something, catching glimpses of volkswagens and suburbs, strands of long hair and the rings of telephones. i've got to remember past failures, i've got to learn from my mistakes, i've got to eat. i've got to stop forgetting my place, stop listening in on the neighbors, stop flying asleep. the constant adjusting keeps me awake, keeps me alert, keeps me honest and tired. i am as true as a ghost, real enough to see, faint enough to forget. a hodge-podge of rules and scraps of paper, soda cans and turned-down offers. this is all a careful construction, planned clumsiness, fractured spontaneity. after all the containers have been filled, there always remain the ears of friends. 7shit98.