theory v. practice

berlin was old, fast and tiring. there were lots of old, big buildings and shit. i think my talk went well but i was too tired to be nervous and don't really remember anything about it. maybe the audience members feel the same way.

i have to make a decision this week. go to berlin all out for my ph.d. or try to work some half-half thing where i stay here part time and there part time. the first option makes my stomach ache and my head spin and the second option means i have to find some question that can only be properly answered by research here and in germany and my two advisers will frequently give me conflicting advice and try to find ways to get the other guy to fund me.

the commitment-phobe in me says to run, run, run away from berlin but the other part of me says that this is exactly what i need to get over being afraid of commitment.

one fucking song

i am nothing. fucking empty, retarded, blank, numb. blind and alone, so far fucking gone.

a basic sentiment.

trying really hard.

i got really sick last week, suddenly, woke up puking. spent three days completely out of commission, getting intimate with the radio and the toilet. felt completely absurd, otherworldly, distant, scarily real. thought a lot about a lot of things, made some vague decrees. decided to get things in order, stop this endless daily train wreck of avoidance and chemicals. fell in love with safeway, pushed the plaid pantry aside for a while. stopped smoking, stopped drinking soda, started buying real-ish food and eating breakfast. dropped the orange bike off for some much-needed work, been riding the green bastard and getting way comfortable on it. got a haircut, tamed the beard, bought some new socks and t-shirts. been wearing a tie at work, bringing a banana. walking around instead of lying down. sent an e-mail to a collection agency.

mushrooms, nuggets, grapes. had a few cigarettes today. i figure if i am all there is going to be, then i should pay more attention to what the fuck i'm doing. the sun has been shining, and i've been sleeping normally. shortening my ride home, merging into one brakeless being with the peugeot. becoming something.


but of course i still hate pretty much anything. anything that isn't safeway, the radio, my bike, making cookies, etc. so very fine and dandy inside my world. maybe i'll send you a postcard someday. just don't try and visit; i get nervous and flighty when there are people around.

Adrenaline

Been on high alert since the end of last week. Go go go, spin around take care of that, no plan, wait, plan it first, go go go. Things getting a little weird, keep truckin, gotta tcb with my pne. Whoops, that wasn't what I meant. Gotta go.

.

Went to school.
Did some stuff.
Got tired.
Went to sleep.
Now what?

I'm gonna

do a bunch of shit. But not today, I'll do it tomorrow.

character flaw

i'm so fucking happy.

/stepping up the packs/
/tying more knots/
/losing more acts/
/settling in for the long run/
/breaking up/
/kicking the future/

i do what i want.

love,
sick fuck.

feel the hate (love for j-wary, though)

i just finished being a hard-ass yesterday to the students in the class i ta. i graded their papers and they were terrible. it actually caused me physical pain to read some of them. and it took up my whole fucking week too. next time, i'll still be a hard-ass but i won't bother telling them every time they fuck up. i need to do my own shit too, you know?

hey, isn't it j-wary's birthday today? happy birthday, if you're reading this. i wish you lots of good birthday cake. or pie. or ice cream. or whatever the fuck you're into. i hope you have lots of it. and it's the best ever.

i have a stop-over in paris for two hours on my way back to seattle from berlin and i just realized i don't have class the day after i'm supposed to get back, the 18th, because it's some dead guy's birthday or some shit. so i'm going to see if i can change my plans and spend the night in motherfucking paris.

my grad school had a little within-school conference and i was runner-up to the best masters talk. i don't have any data yet. so i'm either the most kick-ass speaker ever, or my grad school's mock conference sucks.

yeah, there we go, uh huh, do it

Someone stole my front wheel a couple weeks ago, so I'm riding the fixed gear [blah blah weather boring] but so in conclusion fuck people. Wait, no, Why is too much happening? I think that's good cuz being busy is good, distracts from freaking out about nothing, but, don't forget the basics, or something. This isn't much better than the rote crap I deleted... Jesse's a better poster than me...