still procrastingating stop it

so you just sit in here quietly mad with headphones on and don't talk don't ask don't socialize don't resolve don't compromise don't fix it don't joke don't figure out don't get to know

fucking NOTHING I am a husk of a human being


fuck lab

septem

hooollly fuck september, no septeeemmmber fuck fuck

ya, so, why does summer seem so short? not the vacation, that's gone now, like recess, but the season. fall is nice, but, the feeling, the, gravy. gravity. grave. ... I think i've been doing what needs doing, that's good, right? right? right. ok then. so, what's to worry about? too many questions. not enough takin care of business. over and over the same simple tasks, time to take on some bigger fish, wait, gotta do my chores, wait, gotta look at this internet turd in a puddle. Ok, fuck all that lets go bowling, er, watch a movie, er, sleep. Wait what? no, big things, do things, hit the douche. and, well, wait for the holidays so can be distracted by loveing arguing fighting smiling gifting EATING, something more, more, whatever next year, something winter gotta do this now so I can so i can so i can so we can so WE can

ehem. Enough channeling Jesse, paint in a cave.

haha, another (stolen) movie quote quote

sums out loud

blasting pixies b-sides and leaving my jacket on. waiting another day and forgetting another night. chastising myself for flimsy reasoning and adoring myself for the same. maybe everyone's a ghost like this. more volume, less thought. i need to go out and chase hollywood ideals tonight, get reminded. always losing the future. saw a kitten with white socks on 52nd at 6:50am yesterday, almost rearranged everything. thought about quitting things and starting other things, adopting the concerns of the masses. but then i kept going and it was just a joke, a flash, a shadow. maybe i need some new targets.

this is boring as FUCK.

suck up and look right. want nothing, have everything. i can't.

I made this

remember this tupperware liz? do you? DO YOU??

and what a life it must be

“You have to sketch out your beer-festival game plan,” he says. Do you want to drink super-dark stouts? Or perhaps you’re interested in floral IPAs and light, crisp lagers? Sample from lightest to darkest, he suggests, and refrain from skipping around: “You don’t want to get home and regret missing that one beer that could’ve changed your life.”

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happy today

strangelet-ed

having a hard time getting motivated to go weigh post-docs soil samples so we can do lab analyses together next week.

also having a hard time getting motivated to write thesis. can't even bring myself to open comments my adviser sent about my last draft of my thesis, as they are guaranteed to be bad. (in the email, he said he, "stopped at the results." you don't stop at the results if the intro and methods are good.)

i am also having a hard time getting out of bed and feel vaguely ill, but there isn't anything bad enough wrong with me to keep me in bed. i feel like i have a fever, but i don't have a fever. i'm also having problems in my, uh, "lower digestional tract."

combined with my general apathy, very bad times indeed.

i bet it has something to do with that damn LHC.

1st day

of class today, effing undergrads swarming.

i had class at 9 am too, like i'm another one of the crew, chump.

also sick or something, want to lie in bed all the time all the time

time to buy a new notebook

holding tight, curled into a ball.

the house is suddenly my own, and i'm shaking. hard-to-describe transformative weekend at the coast. reorganizing my thoughts on the big and small pictures. daily changes, lifelong redirections. letting go of the hollow glamour of personal destruction, reclaiming lucidity and examination. look, don't turn and run. staring at my feet in the waves, remnants of black nail polish getting washed away, a symbol of a larger cleansing. wake up from this dragging sleep, this crushing avoidance. i can smell nothing but cigarettes and see nothing but scuffed plastic, hear nothing but music. there are no people right now, only examples of various options and consequences. maybe a major issue? anyone would give in under such a limited scrutiny, right? there's nothing to look at but some character i've pieced together from a hundred wal-mart trips and dreams about false memories. this isn't what i had imagined. fuck.