maitre d'

it's all about getting over it, letting the fear wash over me and then letting go of it. i'm going to go get some therapy to get over the paralyzing fear of flight i have, commit to something vague even if it's not what i planned, allow the "m" word to be spoken in my presence without freaking out.

well, maybe not.

bad things: i don't know what's going on with the future, i have very little money and i have no food in my house.

good things: i can just worry about finishing my shit that i have to do now, i just got a check BACK from the medical center saying my insurance paid for everything and the prospective fisheries grad student i'm letting crash in the guest room here is buying me dinner tonight.

i was at a party last night with a bunch of french people (i was the exotic american, everyone else was european of some brand, if not french). i completely let go of the idea that i still have some knowledge of the french language. i may be able to read some basic french in a book, but i definitely cannot communicate in any meaningful way. some bitch got snooty about german food to patrick so we boycotted by only speaking german from there on out (they were only speaking french, no attempt to include anyone else in discussions. except for two guys, both dating chicks from other european countries. that was it.) but damn, both the cheese and the wine WERE good.

newer than tonight

pretty much on top of the world. emerging from lingering sickness, imitating song lyrics, maintaining a solid front. no need for fear. exploring new ways of getting by and killing time. pretending to be at ease makes it real.

karen and kittie aren't exclusive. there are reasons for the dark of night and the clarity of morning, kids. transitional plans and recovered realizations. we're all young and unafraid.

enamored with my makeshift family, disinterested in the requirements of history. there are multiple story lines here.

not too sure, not too concerned. i used to feel tangled and alarmed, but now there's just freedom. freedom and motion and escape and drugstore remedies. countless options, meandering jokes and made-up words. cleverness and laziness, vision and lucidity. the fog of fun can be summoned at will and remembered forever.

loud music from past eras, laughing at a tabletop shrine to destruction. gliding through the rain to progressively trashier places, slamming into strangers and talking to the clouds. dirty stages strewn with either underwear or instrument cables, beautiful bathrooms with endless phrases and chemicals and happy glances. the offerings of the city's underbelly thrust under my nose, into my heart. dress like a king and race like a petty. we all know what we're doing holds no water but we're happy to roll around in the filth for a few more hours.

i just want this song to last forever.

my turn

Make more funny!

Dooo iiiiitttt.

wha?

i was going to write about something that happened recently, but prudence stopped me.

only 5 more papers to grade and i'm done with this quarter. wooohooo, spring break!

yeah, so, i guess i'm, uh, going to berlin for three years. except i haven't told the dude in berlin about this decision yet, so maybe he'll say he doesn't want me afterall and i'll have to find someplace in california to do my ph.d.

life in a taxi

awake awake awake. north portland warehouse, dim memories, beaverton condo, even dimmer. downtown sunrise, hawthorne morning. daylight bedroom, bright eyes to calm me down. sharpie on my arm from someone who isn't me, bracelet from someone else, freshly broken heart from the travails of yet another stranger. some sort of travelogue? would that be easier than this? illicit, endless, ecstatic, crushing points on a map? cyndi lauper and marilyn manson, chai tea and code red, pills and liquor. fruitful pairings and lasting tastes. i linger on something to shock you, anything to steal your glance. do me a solid. watch this collapse as if it's for you. it's not; it's for someone who was never there. someone who doesn't even live in photographs. none of this can scare me or soothe me. i can only be strengthened through further decay and avoidance. you are reading what i want you to hate. keep it.

it rains

same old, same old. writing a paper and wishing it would just be done already. i know it will be, but it hurts so bad now. and there's no new kitties on i can has cheezburger, which has quickly become my sanctuary in this deadline-driven world.


Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

after i finish my paper, i have to finish grading papers from the class i ta. life is not fair.

i still haven't decided if i'm going to germany or not. pros: no paper grading. good chocolate. cons: no honda accords or thanksgiving. though i hear rugby is finally taking hold, thanks to a dedicated bunch of british ex-pats. finished reading my first book in german (120 pg comic book) and will start reading my first journal articles in german as soon as i get them from ILL. that will be an experience. patrick says "what's wrong with those people, they should be publishing in englisch!" ja, but they don't and i need to read them, so what choice do i have?

desktop, still

run run away away away away

but why why why


mmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeehhhhhh